#15: WHAT YOU TOLERATE, YOU TEACH

*****Let me first apologize for the timing of this post. I am very aware of the time lapse between this post and the last one. Soon after I posted the last one, one of my best friends passed away and it was difficult to pull through the grieving process.******  

     I don't know if it's possible to get more personal than what I have already revealed to you about myself in my past, but I wanted to unearth something behind my actions and let you know that I was a pro at ignoring my own voice.  I was honestly searching for love and being accepted for who I was. I was also seeking to be SEEN as a person with strengths, passions, dreams, and a pulse.  I thought with whatever I was doing to them, with them, or for them, I was seen in such a way.
     I know what being refuted feels like. I also know what feeling comes after being drained financially and emotional exhaustion is "crazy" motivation.  This is where you hear two voices. One from your brain and one from your heart. The brain tells you, "give up on him, there is someone better for you" and your heart tells you, "I already wasted this much energy, there has to be something else I can do." I know there are more of you out there that have had that moment in your life.
    If you go somewhere alone, turn off your cell phone and just listen to the two different voices, you will be able to hear your brain whisper and your heart scream.  Our hearts are so sensitive that we really need to watch for whose hands we put it in.  I have made that mistake way too many times and I am pretty sure if Einstein were alive and a doctor, he would have diagnosed me with Insanity!  I continued to do the same things over and over and over again. I still got the same response through his actions that said, "same time tomorrow?" It never changed.
    My voice was so muffled within myself that I never gave myself the time of day to see what I needed. I was so focused on what they needed and not the necessities that I was in despair of.  I am very familiar with that feeling.  When I was not speaking up for myself I was actually robbing myself of what I needed as a person.  If I wasn't giving myself what I needed, then how in the Hell am I going to know what it is from another person?
   The fact that I was silent most of the time, I was dishonoring and disrespecting myself.  There are more perceptions we have to include.  We are constantly teaching about ourselves.  Whatever we speak on, or don't speak on we are teaching the people around us about ourselves.  When you don't speak up about your pain to the provider of your suffering you are teaching them that you can be the rug they wipe their feet off on.  You end up tolerating it and eventually you teach them how to treat you.
    You refuse to stand up for your life, your heart, and your mind.  That leaves a lot of room for putting someone else in control of your life.  When you lose your voice, you end up just existing. That, my friend, is a lonely, and dark avenue that you don't want to go down.  If you are one of those people, let me tell you from my heart to yours, it's NEVER too late to speak up.  As long as you have a voice you can speak about what you want, what you need, and what you deserve. I am pretty sure all of you have heard the line: A CLOSED MOUTH NEVER GETS FED.  its the gosh darn truth!
    To elaborate on this subject, I am going to share with you my personal experience of finding my voice.   I had had enough of being pushed around by men, addictions, and people in general.  I had so many opportunities to leave the relationship, but I didn't.  So I woke up one morning, got dressed, drove to the nearest lake and turned off my phone.  I had a notebook and a pen.  I went to the water, sat down and wrote EVERYTHING that came to mind.  I reread what I wrote and I saw it in another perspective.  I read it as if my sister or best friend wrote it.  Then I wrote a response to that long list of things.  What was unbelievable was I became mad.  I wasn't sad anymore, I was livid. I was disappointed with where I allowed myself to go and I wrote a response.
 
   The lecture I put myself through was very specific.  I asked myself many questions.  The top three questions were:

• Why are you willing to let him make the decision?

• Are you seriously going to sit around waiting for him to decide whether you get to stay or not?

• When do you get to make a decision, when do you get to say, "I want honesty, I want loyalty, I want the things I am entitled to, if you aren't willing to give me those things then YOU DON'T GET TO STAY!" 

   I needed to do that for myself and for him. I freed myself from a lot of heartache and wasted energy. I found shoes that fit my feet and I put my foot down and denied all my insecurities and embraced what I needed and deserved.  I found out that I needed to find enough value in myself that I say, "I am not going to put myself under someone!"  It is so good to MOVE ON!  Let him go!  It's much better to do that than to keep fooling myself. 



"Shoulda Let You Go" - Keyshia Cole
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5QwWXB8vew

#14: THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT YOU THAT'S PLAIN

 I have had this feeling weighing heavily on my heart recently and I really want to jump out and tell every single girl: when you are put down by people that you care about,  have taken a verbal beating by a boyfriend about how you look, or have been criticized about what you like or what you stand for... GOD SEES IT ALL!

   God is very heartbroken when He sees what you are going through.  You are His child. He created you and He loves you.  He loves you too much to leave you where you are at! (That's awesome in my opinion!)  God sees you and cries with you. Most of all He gets you when no one else does!  You can take comfort in that.  He knows what you are desperate for and He is desperate as well for something that is much more important... He is desperate to take care of you and be your Father, and have an intimate relationship with you.  He wants you to turn to Him in every situation, problem, victory, and sorrow time(s).  The reason that He WANTS this between you and Him is simple--- HE LOVES YOU!

   He wants to intervene every corner of your life. He promises to ruin your life in the most beautiful way. Not to scare you or anything, He wants to show you the places where only HE can take you. When you ask Christ into your heart, you receive all of Him. When that happens He is ready to make changes in you and through you. 
   You don't want your communication with Him to stop right there. You can make Him your best friend right from the start. When you make that decision, He immediately puts a crown on your head and heart only He can see; He makes you his royal princess! He is so excited to do what He has planned for your life. He will take care of you and He promises that. In the Bible God says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..." When your relationship grows with God by reading the Bible and praying and being quiet so you can hear Him speak to your spirit, He will help you make the right choice to cut toxic relationships and friendships out of your life.  He has healthy people in His plan for your life that will build you up, not break you down! (Can you imagine all the happiness that is in store, just for YOU?!)

   I can tell you from my experience that it is extremely hard! But what I can reveal to you is that God has not failed me once with peace that follows with cutting toxic relationships out of my life.  I was knocked down, pushed around, and dragged through a lot of people's insecurities that actually attached themselves to me; even after I let those people go. I found out that I still struggled with a lot of insecurities that other people had when I met them that I didn't have before. It hurts at first, but through faith of one drop of blood from the hole in His hand was enough to make me stand up and do what was right for my relationship with God. I knew I had to do it after God started working in me. I started to not want to be around people that didn't care about themselves and talked down about every person that cam up in a conversation.  I felt so good when I made the decision to leave my past friends in my past and WITH my past; I went full force and headstrong to change my future with full trust that God would provide healthier people to enter my life that cared about themselves and they let Christ's love shine through them.    

    He showed me a side of Him I was not familiar with when I completely surrendered and repented for not looking at Him but at the world for satisfaction. He immediately surrounded me with mercy, grace, and love!  I will never go back to the people that emotionally beat me senseless. God gave me that confidence and change of heart because I simply trusted in His salvation, protection, and love for me. No one will ever take that away from me...or you. That, my friend, makes us ANYTHING but plain!  

   God wants to be your hero, take care of you, and love you. You are, and always will be His little princess; also His beloved daughter. All you have to be is His and all you have to know is that He is just a breath away! He loves you so much, He cannot take His eyes off of you! You are His precious creation. If you let His love overtake your entire being, you will see His hand come up in the most unexpected ways in your life!

"Plain" - ZoeGirl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_rCnPtbeO4

"I'm Beautiful" - Beckah Shae

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVHBIHUsKys


"Anything Is Possible" - ZoeGirl -- This song is from God's perspective! ENJOY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUDDbLazsuw

#13: SOMEONE WANTS YOUR BURDENS

    From my heart to yours. I don't know where you are at in your recovery, but I want you to know that there is someone who wants everything that is bothering you and hindering you from moving forward in your life. I can tell you there is a life that you are meant to live and to be lived to the fullest,  by "fullest" I mean full of blessings and a great relationship with that someone.
   The Someone that I am talking about is God. He is VERY real.  I want to start by saying that He loves YOU so much. I know the second you read that, you are immediately filled with doubt. I can tell you that that is a HUGE lie. You were created by God and He sees no flaw in you simply based on the fact that He created you.
   God is so in love with you that he paid a price for your heart. He wants to change you life to what it can be without all of the hurt, confusion, depression, and most of all loneliness. He wants to replace your dark days into lovely days. He knows how much it is hurting you right now. It breaks His heart that you are in pain, but there is good news that follows this; He can, and will, crush any pain or discomfort that you are experiencing... only if you come to Him completely broken and humbled and if you allow Him to.  There is no better feeling than to be humbled and giving the reins of your life to the God that has the power to take our breath out of our bodies. 
   He knows what happened in your past and that you have seen the wrong side of humanity. He has seen your pain, your tears, and most of all He has heard your heart cries.  I can reassure you that there is no prayer that falls upon deaf ears. God even hears your enemies cries, what makes you think you are not worthy of being heard?
   The price that God paid for a relationship with you is that He took his one and only son, who was a perfect, gentle, honest, and holy; He sacrificed him on a cross so that you are able to have forgiveness and to live a life completely opposite of what you have been living. But the price doesn't stop there, he rose from the dead  so that you may know that He is alive and waiting in the corner for you to let Him into your life and most of all, your heart. He wants to clean every crevasse of your heart so  that you will know what it feels like to love yourself because the God of everything loves you, and He will live in your heart!  I promise you, my friend, it is the best decision that you can make for yourself and for your life. I guarantee blessings will happen. The only thing you have to do is confess that you cannot live your life alone, and you want Him to take over EVERYTHING in your life. I know this may sound scary, but what is even scarier is putting your own life in your own hands. We are so weak and feeble that we break at every disappointment that comes into our life. What he is offering you is to let him make whatever disappointment or discomfort that approaches you: have it CROSS our path, not to be CARRIED by us on our path. He wants to carry it for you.  When we put our life in our own hands, it is constantly a worry of how everything will turn out. Don't you think that is a waste of energy?  You are supposed to be joyous and not worry until the next ugly circumstance comes along. Life is hard as it is. He knows that. He wants to take over so you don't have too.  When we put our life into God's hands, we are trusting that He will take care of it, and us. That, of course doesn't mean to kick up your feet and do nothing. It means that He wants to take the stress off of you so that you can finally rest within yourself and His presence. He wants to be your heart's little pillow to lighten your pain. The best quality that He has is a best friend that you can depend on. 
   In the Bible Jesus says, (Matthew chapter 11 verse 28-30) "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart. and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  Cast your cares and worries onto Him, and you will find the rest that you have been seeking so long by yourself.
    I know I am not perfect, you are not perfect, and oh my gosh, not even my mom is perfect. But we can do this together and fight against the evil thoughts that we have towards ourselves. I can tell you now that God only has good thoughts towards us.  There is no room for evil when it comes to Him.  Take comfort in that, for His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
   You are beautiful, smart, and amazing in every way.  I ask you to step out for yourself and give your life to God and ask him to come into your heart and change it. He NEVER delays with that request.

I'd rather give my life to a God that conquered death above all things for my heart. There is no other greater love than this!

You are worth dying for!


  "Take Me As I Am"- Lecrae
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Po3k6sPHeX0

#12 FORGET THE MEMORIES... THEY ONLY HAUNT

   Memories can be infectious and poisonous if you let it infest within you under the foundation thought of remembrance.  We hold onto memories in hopes that the people that contributed to the memories would not forget us.  We are so worried that we will be forgotten, when the memories are the things we NEED to forget. There is a way to forget all about the pain within the memories that they carry.

   First we have to identify the immediate pain that they hit us with once you feel them creep up on you. You are not in that moment anymore. If we do not allow moments that ended up in pain to stay in the past, life cannot be perpetuated. Of course, a little something remains from the past.  That doesn't mean every memory is bad or hazardous to your mental health. It's where you put the thought and where you want it to reside within you.

    Man has the ability to keep the painful past as a memory, but also can be separated from it with forgetfulness.  There needs to be a balance between "I remember" and "I forgot".   That specific balance enables us to walk towards the "new".  When we dwell in the past, we are hindering ourselves from the blessings that naturally come into our lives when you "forget" the pain that lingers with the memories. That doesn't seem fair, does it? We are so obsessed with other people being fair to us, that we blindfold ourselves from what we are ultimately responsible for: being fair to ourselves by caring about our own feelings and depicting who is allowed to get to know us.  

    All of the memories are just paragraphs within the chapters in your life. I completely understand and know it's very hard to turn the page.  But again, if you love and care about yourself, your actions will show that if you KEEP the past painful memories in the PAST, you will get to know yourself and what you deserve.  You can treasure the feeling you had in those memories, but if you keep moving forward, you WILL see that Time is actually on your side, not against you. 

   When you remember a lot from the past and put it in front of your moving-forward feet, you will find a lot of impediments on your way to the "new".  Memories, wounds, and habits from the past definitely poison the present. Continuing to reminisce of the painful memories creates a vacuum within yourself which leads to the absence of the present and the loss of the future. 

   Natural forgetfulness, which occurs automatically, causes us to forget whatever is unimportant, just the daily routine. Thus, most of our days are forgotten. There is a different memory loss that we can approach and eventually make it attached to ourselves. What can help us with that is forgiveness for the ones that hurt us and ourselves for letting the memories haunt us to the point of infestation within our memory. We were being very unfair to ourselves to what we actually deserved.  We definitely do not deserve pain in any way shape or form. Pain is a part of life. You cannot fight it from coming into your life. There are going to be moments where people will hurt you and you cant prevent that from happening, but there is one thing you can control, its the way you react to the pain and how you want to get over it....quickly, I hope.

   

"Don't Need You" - Letoya Luckett
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvpv4gsNlA4

#11 SELF-ESTEEM IS A POSSESSION

   For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't love myself. I thought I was supposed to naturally love and accept myself for who I was cause I was already prepared for the hurt that this world only has to offer. I thought I was late getting the memo or someone failed their mission to tell me where it was and I had to go find it. Then I realized; I was not going to find anything that had to do with the love that I can offer myself going through this world jaded and alone.
   You have to meet yourself where you are at right now. Think back on what was the first thing that gave you happiness that made you want to shout to everyone. It's a wonderful natural high that you feel. When you felt that, you wanted to protect it with all your might...then, out of nowhere, it was ripped from you like a band-aid that had a flesh-eating feeling that was activated the second it was ripped from you.  After it was ripped off, you immediately look for something bigger and better than the last happiness that you had. It can get very tiring running around without examining the hurt you are experiencing. It's as if you once had the freshly cooked meal that you waited for, and then it fell to the floor. So, now you are looking for that one meal in tons of dumpsters in an alley when the restaurant is right around the corner.
   Meet yourself where you are at and accept EVERYTHING that happened to you, whether it's good or bad, it happened. Accepting it is the hardest part, but you can do it. The best thing you can do to yourself is COMPLETELY stop yourself and change your path in your life to your own road for yourself. I hung onto so many different people's coat-tails in their lives and I was dragged through disappointment, hurt, shame, and loneliness.  So, the time now is to stop whatever you are dong in your life that is not only pushing you down, but literally sucking your own life within yourself out and forcing you to feel things that you are not supposed to feel stuck in. I am pretty sure when you look down at what you stand, walk, or run on are YOUR feet. It's never too late to use them to also stand up for yourself and your life.
   When I went through my abusive relationships, I was putting whatever they complained about whether it was me, the place we went to, or even what blanket to sleep under; I was taking all of that and changing all of it the best of my ability. It was never satisfying for him, and that made me continue to change things around him and me to at least get noticed that I was clearly telling them I wanted whatever they wanted. If they are happy, then I most definitely will be happy  It took me a quite a few rounds in the ring to realize that was not true at all. If you could remedy all the hardships that everyone faces, you have to give up all of your "self" to accomplish this clearly impossible task.  Give yourself what you want for your life. Everyone wants to have love and compassion in their life. What's awesome about that is you most certainly can give it to yourself and plant it in your own life and watch it grow in so many ways to benefit you.
   Your self image is a picture of yourself that you carry within yourself. Think about your own picture you have of yourself. Is it dusty, dirty, crumpled, ripped, tattered, or even marked on?  Well, today is your lucky day because how you view yourself is a complete lie!  You are lying to yourself because you have been lied to through what other people have said about you.  When you believe what other people say, then you seem to not really have an opinion of yourself now do you?  Well, there is the C word we could use for this.  You have a CHOICE to do anything.  You choose to believe what another human being thinks of you and it only takes you down a lonely vanity road that is filled with what other people think of you.  You have to realize that it's just OPINIONS! Not FACTS!  It's your life, don't let anyone else write your facts.  You are responsible for what you listen to, not what you hear.
   When you have a poor self-image it affects every single one of your relationships.  Parents, friends, co-workers...etc.  It will rear its ugly head and let people know if you are a beneficial person in their life. Everyone is looking for positive people, places, and things to add to their life. No one is specifically looking for negative things to add. Imagine the people that are passing through your life and you had a poor reflection of yourself painted across your face or you had a nasty reaction to the simplest things; you could be missing out on a great person within them.
    When I was ready to stop what I was doing to myself I still had a poor self-image and everyone became irritating and annoying and everything still hurt me because I didn't know anything about myself. I literally gave up all of me for other people. Then I realized that it is my life and if love and acceptance is what I wanted in it, I was going to change it asap.
   I do not like the fact that there are so many people in this world that compare and compete.  There is no room for appreciation for the person underneath.  Comparing and competing makes you feel like you need to be validated by what you have, and then what you feel about yourself will follow. You are playing a game that really doesn't give you points, it only racks up your insecurities. If you look better than her, if you drive a nicer car, if you live in a house, or if you have an attractive boyfriend. It's a waste of time to use up all your energy worrying about the way you look and the things you have to feel a little bit of value through it.  Nothing last forever, and the temporary feeling of material things will definitely die out. But you can make your self-image last forever. When you compare and compete you are judging the other person on everything you see, hear, and know about that person. You are also allowing yourself to depend on what they think of you as well when you step into that ring. You hate when people judge you, when it seems to everyone else that you are comfortable to do it right back to them.
   When you make your foundation on what you feel about yourself could be toxic or healthy. It depends on what you think of yourself.  If you don't think highly of yourself, then it will affect your life, how you live it and who happens to pass through it.
   A fact about negative thoughts towards yourself is that they ONLY breathe discontentment. Do you really want to live your life uncomfortable from the way you look all the way through to your simple, or hard decisions? I know I don't.  So, I stopped all of it. Your mind makes you think you can't do it. It's got so much already on the To-Do list...I am telling you right now, rip it up! Tear every single shred of it up. It doesn't matter now.  Just simply STOP what you are doing to yourself and give yourself the gift that you have complete control over. Self love. It is the greatest of all flatters!

"Beautiful U R" - Deborah Cox
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRQj3SkrkU8

#10 FORGIVEN, SO YOU CAN FORGIVE

   If you can relate to my story, then we both have at least one thing in common: you do not care, like, love, cherish, treasure, or even think about yourself.
   I want to let all of you know that I completely understand why you put yourself through so much pain to try and find the right comfort. The pain that you feel from either a relationship, a family member's opinions or decisions, friends, co-workers, or even childhood friends is a REAL and ugly pain.  It's so real that it consumes your mind to make you fully believe that you cannot handle it.  Drugs put it in the "Later" box, but to only come right back to it after the high wares off. When you come back it's as if you didn't do the drugs and it feels ten times worse then how you felt before you did them.
   The pain makes you want to hurt yourself more so that you psych yourself out that the pain you feel is less than what you can inflict upon yourself, so you still feel in control.  When you do the drugs, you are giving a substance the authority to approve all of your darkest thoughts and feelings, to where you feel it is okay to feel this about yourself.  It is a spiraling downward fall that makes you lose your right to know who you are and what you deserve.
   Drugs steer your pain to whatever is "closest, sooner, faster...etc"  that can take it away because we all want to be saved from the pain that we are in.  It's very hard to get yourself to find the beauty in the simplest things like: the morning sunrise, a meal, friends, a family, and just people for that matter.
   You tell yourself that there is nothing in this world that can get you out of this life pit that you allowed yourself to jump into. If you were on a game show, you would be on your way to win because that is correct. There is NOTHING in this world that will get you out of the pit until you realize that you have to be willing to care about yourself enough to actually want to get out of it.
   The first step to start climbing out is to forgive yourself for the pain you allowed yourself to feel towards yourself.  It is a hard decision to put into action. You have felt for so long that you are ugly, stupid, not worthy of anything good, and unloved. Forgiving yourself is a very revealing step. You have to take all the pain that you felt over the past years, months, days and forgive it all.  It is the toughest thing to do other than forgiving the person that hurt you. You have to forgive yourself for everything you have put yourself through and then you will be able to forgive them for hurting you.
   If you stay in your resentment towards yourself and the other person or people, you are only making yourself suffer in your pit as you start to let it fill up with hate, sadness, loneliness, and disdainful feelings towards yourself and it WILL show through your actions.  If you don't care or love yourself, then how do you know what love feels like from someone else?
   If you dissect the word, resentment:

• Re- (repeat)
• Sentiment- (feeling)

  Resentment is a word that means to feel a feeling over and over again.  That can get so tiring that it becomes apart of you, but good news, it is detachable. You can let it go.  There is only one antidote for resentment and it's called forgiveness.  If you break up the word forgiving, it's FOR GIVING.  It's as simple as that. It's literally what you do with it. If you do not forgive yourself, (which is what you are supposed to do with it) you will, and I promise, you will go straight into resentment and that is a very dark place to go...especially towards yourself.
   By all means I am not saying what hurt you, or how you continually hurt yourself was right. By forgiving yourself and what you specifically put yourself through is an acceptance NOT an approval.  You have to fully know that it happened, accept that it happened, and then forgive what happened.  It is very hard to know that you have to do this for yourself because you think you have already been trying to comfort yourself through so much, but in reality you are in major debt to yourself.  You owe this to yourself.  When you do it, it feels AMAZING to have the ability to rip off the Velcro-like feeling of resentment.  Nothing and nobody has the ability to take that away from you.  Drugs, nor a person can rescue you from resentment. It all depends on you.
   You can do this for yourself.  This is the first and best positive thing you can do right now. Once you let it all go, there is so much more room for positive people, encounters, experiences, feelings and most of all there is so much more room for love to grow within you and change you! I promise!

Take this jump FOR YOURSELF!

Britt Nicole- "The Lost Get Found"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZacdiLazFks&feature=related

#9 IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

    His name was Ethan. We worked together at a retail store at one of the local malls. We started hanging out outside of work and smoking weed together. As time went along I was giving him hints that I liked him by caressing him while watching a movie, or just listening to him talk about his worries and troubles while we smoked weed in my car.  I told him that I liked him and he told me that he was having ex problems, and for some reason I wanted to wait for the ex drama to cool down and we would see what was between us after. Cause after all, we were just friends. We kissed and did other things. That threw me for a loop every night that we would get intimate and I would have to drive home. I would leave really confused on what we were.  I had never done intimate things with someone that was just a friend to me.  I would bring my friends to come and hang out with him and it was fun. All of us got stoned together, went on drives and parked somewhere with a great view of a city and we would smoke.
   He was really into reggae music.  He would make sure that he got to listen to what he wanted whenever he was around people, including me. I would try to listen to other things, but I let him listen to whatever he wanted.  I didn't understand reggae music. He would ask me if I knew what they said and I would try to pay attention and really listen, but it was no luck with knowing what they said.  There were three reggae artist that I loved to listen to when I trained my ears to hear what they were saying. They were Alton Ellis, Dezarie, and Stephen Marley.  I was always a fan of Lauryn Hill and he told me that she is reggae, and I was stoked that we liked the same genre, but hardly the same artists.
   I wrote poetry as time was dragging on for him and I to get together.  Here is a poem that I wrote during the confusion:

Untitled
I hate you
because I want you
You have the ability
to make me weak
I let you
take my heart
without letting
myself know it
and you don't
even care

   Ethan surprised me one day by telling his mom right in front of me that I was his girlfriend.  I was ecstatic that he claimed me. After that, I started to dress cute and really care about how he looked at me. He would have me hang out with him and his friends that were girls and I saw that they were not the kind of girls that wore just jeans and a t-shirt with flip flops.  They were definitely girls that cared about their appearance and wanted to wear things that flaunted what they had. I observed him while he looked at them, and sure enough he would: look, observe, and then flirt.  I wanted to say so many things at those moments but I thought I would wait until she left  or us.When I got the chance,  I would lash out on him about it and he would turn it around on me. He would tell me, "Well, you see how she takes care of herself and she seems like she knows what she wants. I want my girl to know what she wants and will go for it." I felt so ugly.  My comfortable outfits were a t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops.  I always thought that I rarely ever needed make up because I saw it as a waste of time to doll yourself up. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be around him and his friends because I was too laid back in my style of clothing and my lack of wearing make-up.

Here is a poem that I wrote after that hit me:

Untitled
I was so scared to tell you
I wanted to be your boo.
The more I heard you speak,
I granted you the ability to make me weak.

I should have known
but my love had grown
rejection isn't what I wanted
so now I am haunted
not only around me
but even in my dreams.

   So, I started to critique myself to the point where I was wearing things that I didn't feel comfortable in and smoking weed when I was with him so I could forget my worries about myself looking like I made an effort in my appearance.  I felt like I was being beaten with harsh silent opinions. The way I thought I knew how to carry this burden was to smoke weed and drink every chance I got with my friends. Whenever he would call me for a ride, or to hang out, ended up being for picking up or dropping something off. I found out that he was selling other drugs besides marijuana.
   I took him home to his apartment that he moved into and we were hanging out with his friends and they were talking about cocaine. I wanted to try it. I was already in my own self-hate box, I might as well try whatever came my way. They called a guy and he had it. We got some cocaine and we all snorted a few lines. When I snorted two lines (one for each nostril), it smelled and tasted like Windex.  It was a horrible taste that went down my throat. but I started to feel the left side of my face get numb, then the right side. That was an experience. I was high on coke for about a half hour and I did more lines so I could get the high back. I smoked the pack of cigarettes that I had just bought within a couple of hours.
   I fell in love with the way coke would make me feel. So, I kept one of the guy's numbers and kept in touch with them.  I felt awesome that I had a "connect" and he was always ready to give me some whenever I called.
   Ethan and I did a lot of drugs together.  We did Vicodin, mushrooms, cocaine, experienced Ecstasy on a trip in Hombolt County.   I loved the way that made me feel.  Any kind of drug that I could get my hands on for free, or for cheap, I was going for it.  I did it. There was one drug I promised myself that I would never try in my life and that was Heroin.
   We got intimate soon after we got together.  Our intimate times were a constant battle that I had to fight because a specific time we had just finished and I could tell that we were not clicking anymore than we did in the beginning.  He ended up telling me in the backseat of my car that I do not have an attractive body to him.   I always thought it was going through 'their' minds at the time, but to be told from my own boyfriend was excruciating... but I believed him.  I still stayed with him.  I still wanted him and no one was going to tell me what to do.  My family and all my friends were telling me I needed to leave him and not let him hurt me the way he did.
   I was very hard headed at this point. I was not going to listen to somebody that didn't understand the importance of drugs.  I was going to get a fix of any kind to get this "self-hate" feeling at a calm point. The only way to reach that calm point was to get really messed up on a drug and end up crying for hours. I went wild for a little bit; I was getting tattoos, and got my tongue pierced.  I felt very alone and I couldn't talk to anyone. The friends that  I thought were there, weren't. Some were the friends that I had before I was hanging out with Ethan. For so long I was blaming them for not being there for me and I would pull out the sympathy line, "I thought we were friends?!"  All they said back to me was, "So did I."  So, I had no one to rely on to make me feel like I really mattered.

Here are some songs that I would listen to when I would go on midnight drives, smoke weed, and take Vicodin by myself:

Stephen Marley- "Hey Baby"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM71RFHRqAs

Lauryn Hill- "Ex-Factor" (Lyrics are below the video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZeUGBDYR5Q

Kings Of Leon- "Use Somebody"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRgFeZa_I48

Keri Hilson- "Energy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu9jvAUWWto

  I was in a dark state of mind. I would get drugs from my "friends" and I would have my own stash of weed in my car. I would go driving all over San Diego at night and would cry, secretly hoping he would call me and tell me to come over. But it rarely happened. I was so deep in the approval seeking journey that I only wanted him, and only him. I worried about how he saw me.  He would call me in the morning and tell me to come and keep him company. That was my only natural high I ever got to have; him calling me to come and hang out with him. But to my surprise every time, it was for a ride to hang out and smoke weed with his friends, to go drop something off, or pick something up. He never wanted to do the things I wanted to do with him. We rarely had time to ourselves.
   One day, I decided to drift away from calling Ethan and he shows up at my house and wakes me up.  He was crying. He told me that he had seen his ex girlfriend the night before.  He was having a rough time handling it and he asked me if I would try Heroin with him and I immediately said no to the offer. I knew the reason for him to ask me to try it was because I had a car and I could help him get it.  I decided to try it once.
   We went to pick it up and we went to his apartment.  He set it all up with the foil and everything.  I apparently was not smoking it right because he would yell at me for not getting all the smoke into the apparatus that we were using.  It tasted horrible.  It was the most putrid thing I have ever tasted.  After I smoked it, it literally tasted like you licked the bottom of an old used barbecue.  I was disgusted. I took about 4 more hits. I didn't feel it til I started walking to his porch to smoke a cigarette and I felt like I was cemented into the chair that I sat in. It was not fun. I felt very nauseous, but didn't want to go throw up or get up for that matter.
   A few weeks later I was out with my friend, Denise and we texted Ethan to see what he was doing. He said that he was going to have a "brother's night" with his brother.  I felt like he was lying. So, my friend and I wanted to be little bandits for the night and we sat in front of the parking lot of his apartment and waited to see him arrive.  We were sitting there for about an hour or so and Denise called Ethan's brother to see what they were doing. He said that they were on their way to Ethan's apartment.  She told him to call her when they got there. So, about 20 minutes go by and we see Ethan, his brother, and two chicks get out of a car.
   We waited for them to go all the way up to his apartment and she called his brother. He told us that he just got there and she said,  "I am here with Adessa and we were coming up."  We ran to the stairs and two girls flew out of the apartment like two bats out of Hell.  His sister arrives and yells out his exe's name and one of the bats turn around and walks underneath the nearest lamp post.  The light confirmed that it was his ex girlfriend. With all the rage that I had built up within about 30 seconds, I stomped up the stairs and saw him drunk on a beanbag chair looking like a deer in headlights and I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore.  He begged and pleaded and told me that he didn't want me to break up with him.  He knew what face to put on, and he knew what to say to get me to come back....

 I stayed with him...for three more days.

   He made the one mistake that saved me.  He forgot his phone in my car when I dropped him off to go fishing with his friend and he told me that he was going to get a ride home.  In his text messages was a clear conversation between him and his ex the other night when I caught them, that it was in every way intentional to hang out with each other and not have a "brother's night." I felt very foolish and I was hurt.  When he got home He called my cellphone from his friend's phone and tells me, "I left my phone in your car." I told him I knew and i asked him, "Do you want to be with me?"  He replies with no hesitation, "I don't really care if we stay together or not."  I said, "Well, now that I know you clearly do not care about me, so I will be over in a little bit with all your stuff that you left at my house."  I brought his stuff back to his place. It was over between us.
   Even though I was not with him, the feeling towards myself didn't change at all. I was smoking weed all day every day, taking Vicodin while smoking weed and driving. I was still believing what Ethan said to me. I was still hurting over how we broke up.

Here are songs that I would get messed up on drugs and listen to:

Keith Urban- "You'll Think Of Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O375yls2Kcs

Safetysuit- "Something I Said"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afLpAf_OhQk

Rihanna- "Take A Bow"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdjGtcTi0sA

Me'Shell Ndegeocello- "Fool Of Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaF5_ywDDcg

   I hated myself for about a year and a half after him and I broke up. I still did drugs and I ended up sleeping with potential boyfriends for a while, but I never once felt complete. I always went home feeling alone and empty. I felt so alone, that I remembered my childhood friends, church friends, and my family especially.  I cried out to God that I finally needed Him back. I literally felt like He said, "I never left you Adessa." I told Him that I was done with what I was putting myself through. I wanted to recognize the girl in the mirror again.

The song that gave me peace from all the chaos within myself came on the radio right after I asked Him for His mercy, it was:

Mercy Me- "Beautiful"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C2o0jHNRuU&feature=related

This one came on right after and I immediately felt like He told me to finally fall onto Him:

David Crowder Band- "How He Loves Us"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80z2txT_f84&feature=related

So, why continue to give up my life and how I live it for someone who hardly gave up his time for me.... and not to the one who gave up his own life for me?

#8 ONE STRIKE AND YOU'RE OUT!

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

  I met Hayden working at a place down the street from my house while I was dating Dean.  He was one of the people that I leaned on for support through the drama that came with dating Dean.  I told him about the other guys that I dated and he would tell me that they lost something good. I heard this saying over and over throughout all the breakups.  So every time I heard that saying, I believed that it was just another way for everyone to say they were sorry and they didn't really care about it, nor the choice in guys that I was dating.
   Hayden and I started on a fun level.  We both knew enough about each other already because of our past friendship of working together, so that made me feel safe with trusting him with my heart.  I wasn't completely over Brent, but it wouldn't hurt to try the dating world again since it's been a year, and especially with a past really close friend.  I was proud of myself for choosing someone that I knew for a very long time already and he wasn't friends with any of my friends; so I didn't have a mutual friend that was a threat.
   We hung out a lot.  I got really close with my friend Valerie when Brent and I broke up.  We were hanging out practically everyday.  Then one night Hayden got off work early and he called to tell me that his best friend Mark was single and he wanted to hang out with us.  I told him, "Well, you're in luck. I just so happen to be with my friend, Valerie and she is also on the market!"  Valerie didn't like the idea at first.  She was very cautious about it.  She started rambling about if he was dangerous and if we were going anywhere she would be the one driving.  I told her, "Life is supposed to be lived, not afraid of."  With all of her might, she let her caution tape fly in the wind.
   When they arrived, Valerie got out of the car and back in the car. I was really confused and I got back into the car and asked, "What the hell, what's wrong?"  All she could say through a smile was, "He is so cute!"  I was so relieved, I jumped out of the car to face their confused faces and said, "False alarm!"
    That night Valerie and Mark immediately connected.  They had so much in common it was ridiculous. They ended up getting together and Hayden and I were proud of our little work of art.  We all went out on double dates for the whole summer and we had so much fun! Valerie and I got closer and we loved it. There was not one boring night when we all went out. It was like finding my second family in a way.
    Hayden and I decided to get intimate early on in the relationship.  I let him be intimate with me because being around him and being his girlfriend was amazing. The more I was around him, I didn't have the urge to smoke marijuana or drink.  It was a different feeling being around him.  He was on top of making me feel like a girlfriend and that made me feel good, but awkward at the same time within myself.  I was not used to being treated like a woman that had importance in someone's life.
   I asked him to come over and meet my family one day and he definitely made it clear that he didn't like that idea. He didn't even want me to meet his family.  I told him that I wanted my family to meet him because he is the guy that makes me feel like I didn't need to hurt myself to feel good. He still didn't budge.
   There was one day where my grandmother was coming over and I invited him.  He said he would come over.  When he did I saw that he had shaved and he dressed to impress.  I felt good that he was making this decision for me.  My grandma was over for about 10 minutes and he refused to come out of my living room.  I was really confused.  He got a phone call from Mark and he rushed out of the house as if it was on fire.  He told me that he was going to be right back.  I was left on the doorstep waiting for him.  I got suspicious of him, so I called Mark and he said he didn't call Hayden at all.  So, I was really hurt, confused, and mad.  After that, I was calling Hayden's cell phone and he was not answering for hours.  Then he answers and repeatedly told me that Mark was lying and he was at his house helping him with something.
   I let it go because I didn't think I could have dealt with knowing he was cheating or doing drugs.  Then one day we were in his car driving around and he asked me where I wanted to go.  I didn't know where, so i told him, "Just cruise around the city and whatever catches our eyes, one of us will holler." All of a sudden the song  Got To Be Real by Cheryl Lynn started playing, I turned up the song and I started singing and dancing. He kept trying to ask me where I wanted to go and every time he said it louder, I turned up the song.  All of a sudden I saw that he saw red and he slapped me across the face and yelled, "Tell me where you want to go!"  Shocked and totally taken back, I said, "Home is where I want to go!"  He said, "Fine."  He was practically racing the wind when he took me there.  When I got out of the car I said, "Letting you know, we are done and I don't ever want to see you again."  He apologized and said, "Baby, I love you."  I laughed and said to him, "That sounded like it left a bad taste in your mouth. Goodbye."
   I mustered up all my energy to not cry when he hit me, during the ride home, and walking to my door.  But when I opened the door, I started bawling. I never knew what it was like to be hit by a man over a dumb reason. I remember the second his hand hit my face, I had Maury Povich's number running through my head. I had a quick montage of what it would be like to be on the Maury show.
   I was so confused by how he made me feel in the beginning. He let me believe that he truly cared about me and that I meant something.  So, I went on a marijuana and alcohol spree again. I was in that for about 3 months.  By this time, I was loathing myself. I had to be alone.  I was only working a retail job and that was it.  Before work, during breaks, and after work I was smoking marijuana in my car.  I was miserable. I convinced myself that I was not going to pursue my goals in life and I was destined for a life of loneliness.
   One day at work, I saw a new employee.  I literally went weak in the knees the second I saw him.  He had long dark brown hair just passed the shoulders, had liquid golden brown eyes, and a mustache with a goatee.  My heart was immediately captured. I guess its a whole new ball game from here...

#7 ...NOT EVERYTHING IS MAGIC

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

   Katie wanted to go get an outfit for the blind date so we went to the mall and she got an outfit.  She took forever to get an outfit, as if it was really important to pretty much not wear a thing with what she chose to wear when she left the store.  I was nervous too because I was basically doing the same thing.  They met us at the restaurant across the parking lot of the mall that I worked at.
   When we got there they immediately spotted us and we sat down with them.  Brent was very handsome. He had dark hair, dark eyes, had gauged ears, tattoos, pierced lip and he wore a brown faded t-shirt with black shorts.  He was totally my type.
    We all hit it off very quickly.  I could tell that Katie was nervous throughout the whole thing so I worked my wit and made everyone laugh with my comments on anything that came to my mind. There was something between Brent and I that made me feel in love.  He was gorgeous, in a band, tattooed, pierced, grunge style, hilarious, smoked cigarettes, and gave me attention.  (By this time I already knew our wedding date!)
    The four of us did not want the night to end, so we went to a hookah bar.  That was fun.  We all had inhale competitions with the hose; Brent smoked cigarettes so I doubted his capacity, but he beat all of us! When the hookah was finished, we were still not ready to depart.  Katie wanted to go to the beach. Sam, and Katie got alcohol from the liquor store across the street.
    We went to the beach and drank Mickey's beer and Captain Morgan. Sam and Katie were in their own world and didn't really pay any attention to Brent and I. So we got the hint and went off to walk along the water.  We shared a lot about ourselves to each other. I was so nervous and comfortable at the same time  just walking with him.  In the middle of him sharing something about himself to me, he complimented my nose (of all things), "I just have to say that you have an awesome nose!" I immediately laughed and said, "well, it does it's job."
   As we were walking back to Katie and Sam I was liking him more and more.  What really attracted me to him was that he got my sense of humor and that made me feel like he was seeing ME, not what was on the outside. Then he asked me, "Are you seeing anyone?" I said, "Nope.  The last guy I was with, which was a couple of weeks ago, he dumped me because I was fat to him."  He said, "Are you kidding? You are not fat."  When he said that, the rest of the walls that were up, broke down to dust and were blown away.  I blushed and said, "Thank you."
   As we were approaching back to Katie and Sam, Katie yelled to us, "Have you guys kissed yet?!" Brent responded, "Unfortunately, no." I cunningly asked, "Why haven't we?" Without skipping a beat he grabbed me and kissed me.  I swear I could hear the song We're In Heaven by DJ Sammy playing loud in my head. By that time I didn't want time to continue. So, Katie and Sam wanted Brent and I to spend the night at Sam's house which was about 30min away from La Mesa.  
    I went in Brent's car and Sam went in Katie's car. Brent needed gas to get back, so he asked me for 5 dollars, I gave it to him. As he was pumping gas he stood next to his window and stares at me. I said, "What?" He replied, "I can't stop looking at you." The second he finished that sentence I could hear him pee.  We both laughed!
   We beat them to Sam's house. When we got there, he went straight to a computer and showed me his Myspace along with his band's. In the middle of him showing me his band's music, he gets a call from Katie that she is lost because Sam fell asleep in the middle of giving her directions, so Brent directed her to the house. I was mad that he fell asleep because that was more time that I could have had with Brent.
   Everyone was tired.  I was hoping to sleep with Brent, but since Sam was already asleep, Katie wanted me to sleep with her.  We slept in the attic. (We didn't settle for the couches. I don't know why, but we didn't.) It was a tiny room that had carpet with a little window that didn't open. It had weird stairs in the laundry room to climb in order to get in the room. We talked and moved around a lot to get comfortable.  In the morning, Brent told us we sounded like hamsters that would not go to sleep.
    We spent the whole day with the boys. All of us went to a tattoo shop so Brent could get a tattoo across his chest.  It took FOREVER! Brent realized that he was supposed to be at work when he finished.  So, we all had to depart from each other and go home.  I gave Brent my number and vice versa.

    It was awesome in the beginning. We stayed in communication with each other even though Sam and Katie were breaking up and getting back together, so they were the least of our worries. Brent was a huge Angels and Airwaves fan. He went to one of their concerts one night and called me to tell me to look up one of their songs called Everything's Magic, because it reminded him of me.  I loved the song, I bought their album the next day. I had a lot of fun hanging out with him; he took me off-roading in his car, we both loved Angels and Airwaves and Tom Petty, we both made each other laugh.  Every time we would hang out it was awesome and I started to believe that I loved him.  My feelings were confusing to me so I let my mind convince me to test and see if I really loved him... I had sex with Brent.
   I was scared of what I was feeling. Here are some poems that I wrote during the confusion of my feelings for him:

Scared
I am so scared of getting hurt
I don't know if I should continue
I want to be with you
but I am afraid it won't work out
Your kiss is amazing
Your touch leaves me breathless
Your heart makes me want more of you
Tell me if I should proceed or not
I want to know sooner than later
I have been hurt before
You make me happy
Tell me what to do

Ready
I am ready to give you my hand
I am scared to give you my heart
I've been hurt
I've been used
Can you promise that you won't?
I've been told so many times "don't."
Please be gentle with me
that's all I ask of you

I'm quiet
I'm short with words
but believe me, thoughts run through
my head of only you
You are behind every thought
You are everything I do
There are 3 words I want to say
but am scared of
I love you

Untitled
I stare out into the night
thinking that you just might
be thinking of me
You scare me so much
but by your simple touch
you put my fear at ease
When you get that feeling
of your heart beating
baby please let that be
what you feel when you're with me
To wake up next to you
is what I've been wanting to do
Just to hear you breathe
would mean so much to me
Why can't I fully trust you
because I am scared of believing
that I love you

   All good things have to come to an end.  This is where it started to change.  It felt like I was the only one calling and trying to make plans with him.  He finally asked me to hang out with him one night and his friend, Nick.  He asked me if I had a friend for him. I was not with any friends, so I said that everyone was busy.  He came and picked me up with Nick.  They kept trying to call a bunch of people to see if they had something that he wouldn't tell me what it was.  We parked down a dark street where we had to wait....and wait....and wait. Then I heard Nick flick a lighter in the back seat and to what I thought was cigarette smoke I breathed it in and it smelled like the bottom of an old used barbecue.  I looked back and saw him crumple aluminum foil and I asked what that was, and he said trying to hold in the smoke, "Heroin."
   We got out of the car finally and went into a house on the street.  I took a shot of vodka when a random girl gave it to me.  I went outside to stand by Brent's car and made a phone call to Melody to talk to her because I didn't feel right in the house. I tried calling her a couple of times but no answer.  On my way back in the house, I hear Brent call my name.  He came up to me and he starts kissing me.  He then tells me, "Stay out here for a little bit, I will let you know when you can come back in."  I was already feeling the shot of vodka for not eating anything that day.  All I could say was, "Okay, let me know." Then he disappears.
   Melody finally answers after the fifth time calling.  I told her where I was, what happened in the car, and what Brent just told me. She said, "Adessa, I know you are feeling the shot right now because of how calm you are to tell me this.  You are going to listen to me and go into the house and go find him." I argued with her and said, "He told me not to go inside until he tells me to."   I hung up the phone and I walked up the walk-way. Thoughts were flowing in my head of drugs being everywhere.  I walked in and I saw Brent doing push-ups with a rubber band or something tightened around his arm.  He looks at me and carries on with his conversation.  I could tell that he didn't want me to be there at all.  He sits in a chair and I see him grab a syringe and he shoots something in his arm. After that was done, he took me home.
   It spiraled downward very quickly about a week after that experience.  He wasn't returning any of my calls or texts.  The more he wouldn't return any of them, the more I got confused.  I would freak out if my phone rang. Seeing that it wasn't him, got me telling myself, "Next time."  I started hating myself again, for being so available and easy.  I felt like nothing could make me feel better, but to listen to his voice, know that he was okay, or just see him.
   I was on Myspace and I saw that he put up a bunch of pictures with a tall blonde girl and they were kissing in these pictures.  Then I see that he was putting up that he loved a completely different girl.  I felt so used and disgusted with myself and I got extremely mad at him.  I happen to get in contact with one of the girls that he was dating, Andrea, and we talked about what I was going through the past five months with Brent. That boy didn't have very pretty colors on his coat tails of actions that he was trailing.
    Of all the things that were already wrong with the drugs, I chose to end it because he was seeing other girls.  I felt like I had given him my entire heart, all of my energy, and fell in love. I couldn't believe that he would play me like that and tell me everything I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted from me.  Brent hurt me very much and I hated myself, along with him.  He said that we could still be friends after all that happened when I found out about the other girls. I accepted his request, but I never followed through with it. Neither did he. I couldn't sleep, eat, or even find a genuine laugh from myself. I woke up depressed and went to bed depressed.  It was an ugly feeling. Marijuana was my best friend, once I started feeling soberness come back I smoked.  I would smoke until I threw up and then I would smoke more.
   Home was the last place I wanted to be.  I couldn't stand being at home.  I was getting yelled at already for not being home at all, not telling my parents where I was going, when I was going to be back, and not going to college.  I left constantly. I would hang out with Katie and go to Tijuana, Mexico. We would get drunk and have encounters with people that I didn't really know exactly what they looked like.  I  did everything that I thought would heal my pain of being a disappointment to my family, and dealing with a broken heart. Everything goes wrong with a broken heart.  Nothing seems right, but being under the influence of some kind of mind altering drug, or giving myself to a new guy.  Sleep was dangerous to me because my dreams seemed to attack and have Brent appear in every one of them.

Here are poems that I wrote to get my anger out:

In The End
If it was just me and you
what would you do?
Would you lean in
or just walk away,
like you did the day you slipped away?

I believed everything you said
Your words run in circles in my head
I keep everything inside
I only find comfort when I hide

You tore me apart
when you turned away
and broke my heart
Are you in any way happy
knowing you have hurt me?
Every night I lay in bed
and my heart can't seem to mend

I would do it all over again
Only to hope to hurt you in the end.

Untitled
These feelings are not new
Why do all my thoughts lead back to you?
All I want to do is forget you
I can't sleep
Everything I do revolves around you
Just being your friend is hard enough
looking at you is pretty rough
You used to give me butterflies
when I looked into your eyes
Now you make me sick
if I am around you for more than a minute
The thought of you cuts me to the bone
Just go away and leave me alone.

When I was writing those poems I would listen to music we would listen to, smoke marijuana, get drunk and reminisce on our fun times that would end up being thoughts of how much he hurt me.  These are some songs that I would listen to and cry:

Angels and Airwaves-"Everything's Magic"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie8WNGVCc6M

Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers- "American Girl"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5ccVWbteps

Peter Bjorn and John- "Young Folks"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0HIxJtLI_Q

Avril Lavigne- "I Miss You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QevQmM3v_U

Colbie Caillat- "Bubbly"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FjRyV-Mqh4

It took me a year to get over Brent. Without communication with him took a toll on me and it effected my work decisions. I was giving away my shifts like I needed to be at home more than getting money and being around people to get my mind off of him. I got a call from a previous co-worker from my first job, his name was Hayden.  He wanted to hang out and so we did.  I shared with him what happened to me in my previous relationships and he showed sympathy for it all by being there for me.  He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes because he treated me like I mattered...that didn't last very long...

#6 NOT THE ONLY PAWN BEING PLAYED ON THE BOARD

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

   When I received the news that Brandon was seeing someone else, I approached him with what was brought to my attention and he denied it.  So, I didn't think anything of it because he obviously loved and cared for me if he let me give myself to him.  Trent told me that he was seeing a girl named Anna and she has  liked Brandon for a long time. Trent also informed me that they work together.  I was not intimidated because I kept thinking of him taking my virginity and how important that was.
   I was hanging out with Katie one day and she told me she caught Brandon going out in the middle of the night. He wouldn't say where he was going or who he was seeing.  That made my heart sink.  He always told me that he was going to bed early and that he would text me in the morning, so I trusted him and left him alone.  Then she told me of one particular night, he had gotten drunk with his friends at the apartment and his "filter" was not turned on in his brain because he said to everyone, "I am only with her because I took her virginity, I don't like having sex with her because she isn't attractive to me, she has a huge stomach!"  I immediately cried when I heard that. I went home and wept for hours.
   I remembered my friend Melody smoked marijuana and I called her and asked her if  I could come over.  I went over to her place and told her what happened. She got so furious with him. I told her that I could not handle this pain and asked her if I could smoke marijuana with her. She looked at me like I was crazy and she handed me the pipe and said, "This is your choice."  I replied, "I know."
    When I smoked marijuana, it took my mind off of what happened.  I was enjoying the time I was having with Melody and sharing my pain with her without feeling it.  I was saying things that were funny and I didn't care what I said or did. I didn't know I was stoned until I started walking... I walked to the kitchen to get a drink and I said, "Melody, when I move, the earth moves with me!" Both of us fell to the floor and laughed so hard.
    The next morning I woke up very angry and depressed. I called Katie and told her to come and pick me up and take me to her apartment. I knew Brandon was off that day so this was going to be a piece of cake to corner him.  When I got there I went right into his room, he was asleep. I sat next to his bed and I said to him, "Wake up! we need to talk." So, he got up.  I said, "This will not be a conversation, this will only be me talking.  I know about this other girl that you have been seeing, and I know that I am not very appealing to you because it was brought to my attention that you think I have a huge stomach."  Literally right after I said that he says with no hesitation, "Well, now I know not to trust Katie with anything."
    My heart sunk inside my chest. He pretty much confessed without saying the confession. He was only with me because I was naive and I was not going to say "no" to an opportunity to get in bed with my boyfriend.  I was very hurt. I tried to get Katie to take me back home, but she refused because she got back in bed with her boyfriend.  So, I was stuck like chuck and posted like a stamp until Katie decided to actually start her day around the middle of the afternoon.
    When I got home, I was very angry, hurt, embarrassed and felt like a fool for letting myself convince me to let him take my virginity.  This is when I started to hate myself and not care about anyone.  I started smoking marijuana everyday and stayed away from home.  I was very ashamed of who I was starting to become. So the fact that I let that happen, let me know how much I actually didn't care about myself.
   I was also telling myself that I fell in love with him and that I will never meet another guy and love again.

This is some poetry that I wrote during this heartbreak:

Untitled
I woke up today
Without you
I can't get through
But I'll love you anyway

The Last
I am going to hate today
I will see you and not be able to get through
our last day
I miss you already
I do not want to know
when you have to go
These are the last words
I am going to say to you
something in me broods love into fear

Left Here
This is where you left me
This is where you said everything
This is where we grew apart
This is where you broke my heart
I miss you terribly
If you could only see
you belong to me

   It seemed that I had a natural gravitation towards dark and depressing music. I loved it. What made the music more tolerable and helped me not to cry was marijuana.  I was hurting inside from the insult that my ex had said about me. So I would go into my own little world with marijuana and listen to my music.

These are some of the songs that I would listen to:

Eve 6-"Here's To The Nights"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_qnT7YV-Hc

Alexz Johnson-"Skin"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITasHmmJ5TQ

Kelly Clarkson-"I Hate Myself For Losing You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WqpMDLsS8c

Mika-"Erase"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY27TNJGnSM

  I was hanging out with Katie a lot after Brandon and I broke up.  I would still go over to his apartment and go to his parties.  He didn't like that I was coming over.  Katie told him, "Well, she is still my friend, you cannot tell me who I can bring over to my apartment."  So, I watched him bring different girls to the parties and bring all of them to his bedroom.  One night, he did not succeed because he was crying over how him and I broke up. I had to watch his friends try to comfort him drunk-crying and saying how bad he felt. I have to admit that I LOVED watching him hurt.
  Katie smoked cigarettes and we were driving one day while I was venting about Brandon.  I looked underneath her stereo and I asked, "Can I have a cigarette?"  She said, "yeah."  When I inhaled I coughed like I was choking.  Then i wanted another and another...  I bought my own pack of cigarettes that night.
  So, a couple of weeks go by of partying and crying, Katie tells me that she met a guy online and she wanted me to come with her on her date. I told her, "I am not going to be the third wheel on this date, I will  go if there was another guy for me to go out with." So she used her magic and got the guy to bring a friend.  Her date was Sam, and his friend was Brent....

#5 GIVE IT, DON'T LOSE IT...

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

   After being drunk for the first time, I was so excited to do it again! I loved the feeling of numbness.  I felt accepted by everyone because I didn't feel any judgement and I also had confidence to spark up a conversation with strangers...and it was so easy that I really didn't care about the person I was talking to. I was just happy and I wanted to converse with people and not want this confident feeling to go away. They didn't care what I did or said and the feeling was mutual.  I was also dealing with a broken heart, so alcohol took my brokenness off my mind and put my attention on the immediate present.  I was hoping drunkenness would sweep me away forever from my heartache.
   I was practically born worried. I worried about everything. Even the little things, and to be introduced to something that clearly gave me the fat F word that I wanted, to FORGET, was like I found the cure for the anxious disease that I was infected with.  I was immediately in love with the feeling that it gave me.  My natural anxiety wanted it all the time. Since I was 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, I wanted to experience the life that I was sheltered from that clearly had the answer to my problems with my inner self.
   Trent had given Brandon my cell number after the party.  Brandon and I communicated by phone.  We talked about our vices, likes, our dislikes...etc.  We rarely talked on the phone. The majority of our communication was through text messages  because of his work schedule. He worked when I got out of school, so we didn't really have time to talk on the phone. I found myself really liking him and liking the attention that he was giving me.  He made me feel noticed, and I was definitely enjoying that.
   About a week before graduation Brandon had finally asked me to hang out.  It was a Saturday night and I had plans to hang out with my friend Megan.  She agreed to hang out with him also. So, we met him at his apartment. Brandon asked us if we wanted to drink, Megan said she couldn't because she needed to drive back home, I said yes.
   Brandon and I drank for a while, we were conversing and having a good time. I started to feel drunk after my second drink.  Megan checked her phone and mentioned that it was approaching midnight.  So, I was thinking to myself, "If I stay the night, he could just take me home in the morning, and I will just say I am spending the night at Megan's."  So I proposed my idea to Megan and she was okay with it, and so was Brandon.

Megan left.
  
     I was very nervous about being alone with him.  I was really feeling the alcohol to the point where I didn't care what I said.  He sat next to me and grabbed my face and started kissing me.  Things got really heated.  I started feeling things that I never felt before. Embracing each other while kissing was foreign to me, but awesome at the same time. I was used to just kissing and holding hands, that was it.  To have someone touch and caress me while giving me affection for the first time made me think, "wow, I have missed out on what other girls are doing!"
   Things got really heated. This was the first time I have ever been naked in front of anybody.  I was wrestling with my hormones and my old promise that I had made when I was an early teen to save sex for my husband. Alcohol shut my heart up and I ran with what my mind was yelling. I really wanted to feel what the girls at school were raving about.  They made it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
   He knew I was a virgin and he asked me right before it happened, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I paused for what seemed like forever and said, "yes."  Right before it was about to happen I was extremely scared of the pain that I was about to endure, and I was thinking of my future husband and what I was not about to give him. I thought, "well, there is no way you are going to turn back now. You already said yes."  So, I went through with it.  (The only thing I can reveal about the moment was that it HURT!)
    I could not fall asleep that night.  While he was asleep I just laid there, naked, and scared of what this meant. Nobody has ever seen me so vulnerable before.  Then my mind showed up with compromises, "He really cares about me. He took care of me, and he must really like me if he wanted to do this and still want me to spend the night. He can't be like the typical guys the hit it and quit it, since I'm still here."
    The next morning, I felt very different.  I couldn't believe that I had given myself to him.  I felt that I had lost my innocence forever.  When he dropped me off at home, I went straight into my room and pondered on the entire night. Whenever I thought about it I frowned upon the entire decision. I gave my entire innocence to him.  I kept repeating that to myself and hating myself for it. I felt extremely alone for the next few hours, but that could have been because I refused to leave my room. I swore that everyone could see that I was not a virgin anymore. The painful thought of not being a virgin anymore was so painful that I just buried it under more drunk sex with Brandon.

     After graduation, we went on a couple of dates, then he asked me to be his girlfriend at a little hidden park.  It was really romantic.  The night that he asked me to be his girlfriend I went to his place.  He had a new roommate and I found out that they used to date in high school, but she was living there with her current boyfriend.  When I walked in, Brandon introduced me to her and she said, "Hello, I'm Katie. It's Odessa?"  (I don't like when people say my name wrong) I snapped and said with an attitude, "No! It's Adessa, with an A."-- awkward silence... then we both laughed.
       Katie and I got along very well. I was hanging out with her all the time when Brandon wasn't free.  So, I would hang out with her in the daytime and wait for Brandon to come home from work.  I did that for a little while.
     There were a couple of random parties that we went to, I was the loudest person because I didn't want to stop drinking. I was around a lot of people that I didn't know so I needed to drink in order to talk to them.  At every party Katie was there joined by her boyfriend and there was not one party that ended up being fun. All of them ended with Brandon passed out drunk on the floor and Katie upset at her boyfriend for not doing something for her; or he messed up by doing something that screwed up her entire world, so it all had to come crashing down and ruining the parties.
   My parents thought it was not safe for me to be out and about after graduating high school and not looking at colleges.  They would call me on my cell phone everyday and bug me to come home. I would tell my parents that it was okay and I would do it "tomorrow" every time.  But I always felt the little voice inside of me telling me to go home, I always ignored it and I let Katie convince me to stay another night, and another, and another...  This happened for a couple of weeks.
     I had two trips to go on, both were a week long each. I would call Brandon everyday on my trips. Called him to say goodnight and good morning.  When I cam back from my second trip, Trent told me that Brandon was seeing someone else...

#4 "...SINGIN' DRUNKEN LULLABIES"

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

   It was the beginning of May of my senior year.  I was asked to a "P-A-R-T-Y??? Cause I had to!" ("The Mask" movie line)
    I was nervous to say the least. I had never been to a party that had alcohol for what seemed was for all ages! I didn't eat anything all day because I was excited for the party and meeting a 21 year old on his birthday.  He was 3 years older than me,  that intrigued me.  I had the complete thought that this party was not going to have any rules or prayer sessions and that fascinated me.  I had no idea what to wear to this party.  I ended up wearing a t-shirt and jeans.
    I went to the party.  My friend Megan text messaged me tell me she would pick me up when she needed to go home from a friend's gathering so I had a designated driver to take me home. When I got to the front of the apartment complex I called Trent and he gave me walking directions to get to the apartment.  When I got to the stairs of the apartment, there was a group of people smoking cigarettes at the bottom.  I saw Trent at the top of the stairs. He beckoned me to come up.
   When I walked into the party, I thought I had entered into the party scene in Sixteen Candles. It was packed with so many people. I was immediately scared to talk to anyone there. The girls were glaring at me and sending me messages with their eyes that made me feel like they were screaming at me, "Who are YOU? why are you here?" As I followed Trent to the "bar" in the kitchen, I went right into my observant mode. As I scanned the room there was not one place to park myself.  everybody was asking each other to help them stand up because they thought that standing up was a hilarious thing. I looked all over the room and what caught my eye was that his wall-unit was completely filled with empty liquor and beer bottles.  It looked like he was collecting alcohol for the alcohol god.  It was awesome to me. It showed me that he had a collection hobby. He probably drank before his birthday. I knew I had to look like I never drank before.
   So, I get to the "bar" and Trent asked me if I wanted to join a drinking contest with him, Brandon, and a few other guys. They asked a lot of girls to join, but not one said yes.  I was totally up for it.  Brandon handed me my glass filled with dark beer as he introduced himself to me, "Hey I'm Brandon, you ready?" I said, " Happy Birthday. I'm Adessa, and yes I am. What is this?"  He said, "It's going to be an Irish Car Bomb. All of us chug together."  I took a deep breath. He handed me a little shot glass that looked like milk in it.  I asked, "You guys drink milk with your beer?"  Everybody laughed and Brandon said, "No. Its Bailey's. You drop it in and you chug, but watch out for your teeth."  So, Trent counted down, "3.....2.....1....GO!" I dropped the shot glass and chugged.  I remember the taste was horrible and the whole time I'm thinking, "get it down, get it down, don't puke, don't puke...done!" I cleaned the cup. The last gulp was the worst because I gagged at the very end.  Brandon looked at me and smiled as if he was saying, "What a champ!"  After that I went to go sit down in the only chair that was open.
   The chair was in a perfect place because I could see Brandon and Trent mingle with everyone.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of Brandon.  He was so attractive.
   I started to feel a feeling in my stomach, like I was really excited to be there.  The feeling grew stronger within me.  And as I saw everyone walk passed me I thought it was totally fine to say hello to them.  So I did. They all responded with a hello back.  I didn't know why, but I couldn't stop smiling. Trent saw me relaxing in the chair and he asked me, "why are you smiling so much?" I signed him with my finger to come close to me. I pulled his shirt towards me and said in his ear, "I think I am drunk." He laughed and responded, "Yes, you are. You didn't even whisper that!" Brandon over heard what I had said.  He came over and sat next to me in a broken chair and said, "so, you're drunk off of one Irish Car Bomb?" I nodded and I immediately said, "You are so attractive!" Trent yelled at Brandon and told him to kiss me.  The next thing I saw was Brandon making a fake punch to Trent.
   I felt like this was going to be a fun night! I drank a mixed drink that Trent had made me. I was having my own little party in the chair. I thought it was awesome that everyone was starting conversations with me, I quickly found out that they all just wanted to get another drink. Everything I saw, said, or did was extremely hilarious to me.  I was having full conversations with people across the room and I remember thinking to myself, "They like me!  They really like me!" Once I felt a little bit of soberness happen, I felt like I could not talk to anyone. So, I kept drinking.
   It was getting late, so I called Megan and I tried to tell her to come pick me up, but thinking never felt so hard to me.  I remember her telling me to give the phone to Brandon to give her directions to the apartment.  So, I found him outside at the bottom of the stairs with the smokers. I found the strength in what felt like a half an hour trying to get the phone to him.  I forgot who was on the phone and handed it to him and said, "it wants to talk to you."  I walked back up the stairs and stayed with Trent because I didn't know anyone else there.
   Brandon comes in and hands me my phone.  I said, "Oh yeah!  I gave you my phone!"  He said, "You're leaving so soon? That's a bummer. If I am not able to say goodbye, thank you for coming to my party." I said goodbye and he walked away.
   Megan calls me and says she is at the bottom of the stairs and tells me to come out.  I go straight for the door, not saying goodbye to anyone and when I went outside, I looked at the stairs and looked Megan straight in the eye and said, "You are helping me do this."  She walks up the stairs and helps me down the stairs.  We are walking to her car and I immediately fall down and start laughing hysterically.  It was so funny to me to not be able to stand up because I knew that it was so easy to walk....just not right then.
  I get home. I tried to sleep, but I had to get rid of the whole party, so I ran to the bathroom and I saw every single color of drink I had that night come in reverse. I snuggled with the porcelain throne for a few hours, then woke up and went to bed.
   Woke up hungover the bed!

#3 FIRST ONE IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST

::Identities have been concealed with different names::


   My first relationship was with Dean. Never got intimate. I gave him my first kiss....had to take some pushing on my part, cause he was too nervous to kiss me, I ended up saying, "kiss me, damn it!"
 he did!  That was fun!  Kissing to me felt like sliding into home every time and I was safe!
   Dean had a personality that meshed very well with mine. He decided to join my youth group that was held at my church on Tuesday nights. I loved his presences there, everybody loved him and he made everyone laugh. (Since he made everyone have a good time I was already picking out our baby names.) We saw each other all the time whenever we could after school, spent breaks together, and before school if it was possible. He even ditched a couple of classes and sneaked into my classes.  He was a huge romantic person to me. Dean and i were very well known in our theater classes, and he shared with the whole class that we were together and that he was very happy! It was super sweet!  He surprised me on our 6 month anniversary and took me on the train to Disneyland.
   All of a sudden I thought he was bitten by something because he started to act different towards me.  He started to feel comfortable enough to call me names such as lazy and boring. He started to compare me to his friends because they liked to do things differently than me. So when I received the verbal assaults I decided to change whatever I could that made me match up to his friends. There was one mutual friend that he compared me to, her name was Brenda.
   He went off to college and I was spending my senior year of high school in limbo with this relationship that meant everything to me. I wasn't being called to say good night and I wasn't being communicated to, sometimes in weeks.  I was devastated.  So, since I was an 18 year old girl who was curious about what's happening, I decided to become a detective.  I found out through a friend that Brenda was hanging out with him and telling him I was flirting with other guys and trying to "get into their pants."  I was furious with her. I called him a thousand times one night and he finally picked up.  He believed everything she told him.  I was so hurt.  I told him it wasn't true and he still believed her. I felt so betrayed and alone.  We stayed together for a little while longer. He ended up breaking up with me by making a scene at a concert that we ran into each other at, and Brenda was there with him.
  Later I found out that Brenda and Dean were fooling around together while I was in limbo and worrying about the relationship. Her true colors weren't very pretty by the end of the school year.
   I had never felt a break up before and it royally sucked. There was nothing to bring me up, make me smile, nothing was funny to me. It was so hard to get over him because he started off being my best friend and we created so many good and wonderful memories being friends.  I would walk home after school and cry while looking through a box full of our stuff that accumulated over the season of our relationship. I called this box "My X-Box" written along the top of it. 

These are a few poems that I wrote during our break up.


Silent Wanting

It just happened

You seemed like you didn't care

Now I am alone

You hurt me

I hurt you

It's just never meant to be

I miss you already

I want to feel you again

but I can't

You NEVER chose me

I was NEVER a priority

You made me feel

unhappy

unworthy

unwanted

...but I still miss you

Goodbye
Why does all of this have to happen?
All of this needs to leave me!
He is choosing you
He put you up
I was dropped form an invisible string
I am numb from the separation
I can see your apathetic smile
I don't care anymore
You can have what you want
You were never meant to be for me
Day one is the day I shall forever regret!

I wrote this next poem when I started to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel by being with my friends again and seeing who I was through them.

Untitled
I'm so happy without you
I have everything I need
I thought I would never recover
from all the pain you caused me
My friends love me dearly
They give me hope and joy
You make me worried and sick
Go, and cry to all your friends
with a backwards story
Because you can't stand on your own two feet
I'm proud to say I don't need you
You were a waste of time and energy for me
Yeah, I have dreams about you and I do cry sometimes
But I still have my feet to stand on
My friends are the causes of my smiles now
I really hope you say,
someday
"karma is a bitch."

   I was barely with my friends throughout the relationship.  I started hanging out with my friends after we broke up and it was different hanging out with them.  You could say I was addicted to him and the relationship. I would ditch my friends to hang out with him and when I didn't see him I would go home after school to sleep, because that was the only thing that made the days go faster to when I would see him again.
   It took me a long time to get over him.  The pain that you feel of your first heartbreak is immediately fear. I feared for another girl catching his eye, being alone, my friends wouldn't be there for me, and I feared the next time I would see him. I also felt that he took my heart, stomped on it, and gave it back to me saying, "clean up my mess!"  Then I felt anger towards him and how everything had gone wrong with the break up.  I didn't know how to handle the pain, so I turned to blank lined paper, and music. The music that was attractive to me (now that I was heartbroken) was very sad and dark. Here are some songs that I turned to...

Annie Lennox-"Why"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYFUqxypkbA

Natasha Bedingfield-"I Bruise Easily"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShgqTSxJZDE

Daniel Bedingfield-"If You're Not The One"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K65JVsrxam8

Danity Kane-"Stay With Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBfECDhFnZI

Snow Patrol-"You Could Be Happy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ6ZVrLpfxw


  This music made me feel good in a weird way. I had never had my heart broken before.  So the feeling was very new and fresh behind my chest.  I would cry every time I listened to all these songs.  I was hurting and I didn't know exactly how to handle it. I was lost within myself. I found a little bit of pleasure in letting everyone know how he made me feel and what he did to me.  But I still was secretly seeking his approval.  I was no longer really thinking about myself and what I deserved. I believed everything he called me and so I changed myself so I could be someone else, because it was clear to me that I was not good enough to be in a relationship.
  The time was approaching the supposed "one year" that Dean and I would have had.  One of my friends, Trent would party a lot.  I told him, "It would be my ex's and my one year in a couple of weeks, have a party. I wanna get drunk!" I never drank before and I was very curious to see how it felt to be drunk, because I would see pictures of people that went to my school drunk and saying great things about being drunk and forgetting all your problems and loving it!
   Then he told me that his friend Brandon was having a party for his 21st birthday.
  I was invited....