#6 NOT THE ONLY PAWN BEING PLAYED ON THE BOARD

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

   When I received the news that Brandon was seeing someone else, I approached him with what was brought to my attention and he denied it.  So, I didn't think anything of it because he obviously loved and cared for me if he let me give myself to him.  Trent told me that he was seeing a girl named Anna and she has  liked Brandon for a long time. Trent also informed me that they work together.  I was not intimidated because I kept thinking of him taking my virginity and how important that was.
   I was hanging out with Katie one day and she told me she caught Brandon going out in the middle of the night. He wouldn't say where he was going or who he was seeing.  That made my heart sink.  He always told me that he was going to bed early and that he would text me in the morning, so I trusted him and left him alone.  Then she told me of one particular night, he had gotten drunk with his friends at the apartment and his "filter" was not turned on in his brain because he said to everyone, "I am only with her because I took her virginity, I don't like having sex with her because she isn't attractive to me, she has a huge stomach!"  I immediately cried when I heard that. I went home and wept for hours.
   I remembered my friend Melody smoked marijuana and I called her and asked her if  I could come over.  I went over to her place and told her what happened. She got so furious with him. I told her that I could not handle this pain and asked her if I could smoke marijuana with her. She looked at me like I was crazy and she handed me the pipe and said, "This is your choice."  I replied, "I know."
    When I smoked marijuana, it took my mind off of what happened.  I was enjoying the time I was having with Melody and sharing my pain with her without feeling it.  I was saying things that were funny and I didn't care what I said or did. I didn't know I was stoned until I started walking... I walked to the kitchen to get a drink and I said, "Melody, when I move, the earth moves with me!" Both of us fell to the floor and laughed so hard.
    The next morning I woke up very angry and depressed. I called Katie and told her to come and pick me up and take me to her apartment. I knew Brandon was off that day so this was going to be a piece of cake to corner him.  When I got there I went right into his room, he was asleep. I sat next to his bed and I said to him, "Wake up! we need to talk." So, he got up.  I said, "This will not be a conversation, this will only be me talking.  I know about this other girl that you have been seeing, and I know that I am not very appealing to you because it was brought to my attention that you think I have a huge stomach."  Literally right after I said that he says with no hesitation, "Well, now I know not to trust Katie with anything."
    My heart sunk inside my chest. He pretty much confessed without saying the confession. He was only with me because I was naive and I was not going to say "no" to an opportunity to get in bed with my boyfriend.  I was very hurt. I tried to get Katie to take me back home, but she refused because she got back in bed with her boyfriend.  So, I was stuck like chuck and posted like a stamp until Katie decided to actually start her day around the middle of the afternoon.
    When I got home, I was very angry, hurt, embarrassed and felt like a fool for letting myself convince me to let him take my virginity.  This is when I started to hate myself and not care about anyone.  I started smoking marijuana everyday and stayed away from home.  I was very ashamed of who I was starting to become. So the fact that I let that happen, let me know how much I actually didn't care about myself.
   I was also telling myself that I fell in love with him and that I will never meet another guy and love again.

This is some poetry that I wrote during this heartbreak:

Untitled
I woke up today
Without you
I can't get through
But I'll love you anyway

The Last
I am going to hate today
I will see you and not be able to get through
our last day
I miss you already
I do not want to know
when you have to go
These are the last words
I am going to say to you
something in me broods love into fear

Left Here
This is where you left me
This is where you said everything
This is where we grew apart
This is where you broke my heart
I miss you terribly
If you could only see
you belong to me

   It seemed that I had a natural gravitation towards dark and depressing music. I loved it. What made the music more tolerable and helped me not to cry was marijuana.  I was hurting inside from the insult that my ex had said about me. So I would go into my own little world with marijuana and listen to my music.

These are some of the songs that I would listen to:

Eve 6-"Here's To The Nights"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_qnT7YV-Hc

Alexz Johnson-"Skin"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITasHmmJ5TQ

Kelly Clarkson-"I Hate Myself For Losing You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WqpMDLsS8c

Mika-"Erase"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY27TNJGnSM

  I was hanging out with Katie a lot after Brandon and I broke up.  I would still go over to his apartment and go to his parties.  He didn't like that I was coming over.  Katie told him, "Well, she is still my friend, you cannot tell me who I can bring over to my apartment."  So, I watched him bring different girls to the parties and bring all of them to his bedroom.  One night, he did not succeed because he was crying over how him and I broke up. I had to watch his friends try to comfort him drunk-crying and saying how bad he felt. I have to admit that I LOVED watching him hurt.
  Katie smoked cigarettes and we were driving one day while I was venting about Brandon.  I looked underneath her stereo and I asked, "Can I have a cigarette?"  She said, "yeah."  When I inhaled I coughed like I was choking.  Then i wanted another and another...  I bought my own pack of cigarettes that night.
  So, a couple of weeks go by of partying and crying, Katie tells me that she met a guy online and she wanted me to come with her on her date. I told her, "I am not going to be the third wheel on this date, I will  go if there was another guy for me to go out with." So she used her magic and got the guy to bring a friend.  Her date was Sam, and his friend was Brent....