#15: WHAT YOU TOLERATE, YOU TEACH

*****Let me first apologize for the timing of this post. I am very aware of the time lapse between this post and the last one. Soon after I posted the last one, one of my best friends passed away and it was difficult to pull through the grieving process.******  

     I don't know if it's possible to get more personal than what I have already revealed to you about myself in my past, but I wanted to unearth something behind my actions and let you know that I was a pro at ignoring my own voice.  I was honestly searching for love and being accepted for who I was. I was also seeking to be SEEN as a person with strengths, passions, dreams, and a pulse.  I thought with whatever I was doing to them, with them, or for them, I was seen in such a way.
     I know what being refuted feels like. I also know what feeling comes after being drained financially and emotional exhaustion is "crazy" motivation.  This is where you hear two voices. One from your brain and one from your heart. The brain tells you, "give up on him, there is someone better for you" and your heart tells you, "I already wasted this much energy, there has to be something else I can do." I know there are more of you out there that have had that moment in your life.
    If you go somewhere alone, turn off your cell phone and just listen to the two different voices, you will be able to hear your brain whisper and your heart scream.  Our hearts are so sensitive that we really need to watch for whose hands we put it in.  I have made that mistake way too many times and I am pretty sure if Einstein were alive and a doctor, he would have diagnosed me with Insanity!  I continued to do the same things over and over and over again. I still got the same response through his actions that said, "same time tomorrow?" It never changed.
    My voice was so muffled within myself that I never gave myself the time of day to see what I needed. I was so focused on what they needed and not the necessities that I was in despair of.  I am very familiar with that feeling.  When I was not speaking up for myself I was actually robbing myself of what I needed as a person.  If I wasn't giving myself what I needed, then how in the Hell am I going to know what it is from another person?
   The fact that I was silent most of the time, I was dishonoring and disrespecting myself.  There are more perceptions we have to include.  We are constantly teaching about ourselves.  Whatever we speak on, or don't speak on we are teaching the people around us about ourselves.  When you don't speak up about your pain to the provider of your suffering you are teaching them that you can be the rug they wipe their feet off on.  You end up tolerating it and eventually you teach them how to treat you.
    You refuse to stand up for your life, your heart, and your mind.  That leaves a lot of room for putting someone else in control of your life.  When you lose your voice, you end up just existing. That, my friend, is a lonely, and dark avenue that you don't want to go down.  If you are one of those people, let me tell you from my heart to yours, it's NEVER too late to speak up.  As long as you have a voice you can speak about what you want, what you need, and what you deserve. I am pretty sure all of you have heard the line: A CLOSED MOUTH NEVER GETS FED.  its the gosh darn truth!
    To elaborate on this subject, I am going to share with you my personal experience of finding my voice.   I had had enough of being pushed around by men, addictions, and people in general.  I had so many opportunities to leave the relationship, but I didn't.  So I woke up one morning, got dressed, drove to the nearest lake and turned off my phone.  I had a notebook and a pen.  I went to the water, sat down and wrote EVERYTHING that came to mind.  I reread what I wrote and I saw it in another perspective.  I read it as if my sister or best friend wrote it.  Then I wrote a response to that long list of things.  What was unbelievable was I became mad.  I wasn't sad anymore, I was livid. I was disappointed with where I allowed myself to go and I wrote a response.
 
   The lecture I put myself through was very specific.  I asked myself many questions.  The top three questions were:

• Why are you willing to let him make the decision?

• Are you seriously going to sit around waiting for him to decide whether you get to stay or not?

• When do you get to make a decision, when do you get to say, "I want honesty, I want loyalty, I want the things I am entitled to, if you aren't willing to give me those things then YOU DON'T GET TO STAY!" 

   I needed to do that for myself and for him. I freed myself from a lot of heartache and wasted energy. I found shoes that fit my feet and I put my foot down and denied all my insecurities and embraced what I needed and deserved.  I found out that I needed to find enough value in myself that I say, "I am not going to put myself under someone!"  It is so good to MOVE ON!  Let him go!  It's much better to do that than to keep fooling myself. 



"Shoulda Let You Go" - Keyshia Cole
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5QwWXB8vew