#7 ...NOT EVERYTHING IS MAGIC

::Identities have been concealed with different names::

   Katie wanted to go get an outfit for the blind date so we went to the mall and she got an outfit.  She took forever to get an outfit, as if it was really important to pretty much not wear a thing with what she chose to wear when she left the store.  I was nervous too because I was basically doing the same thing.  They met us at the restaurant across the parking lot of the mall that I worked at.
   When we got there they immediately spotted us and we sat down with them.  Brent was very handsome. He had dark hair, dark eyes, had gauged ears, tattoos, pierced lip and he wore a brown faded t-shirt with black shorts.  He was totally my type.
    We all hit it off very quickly.  I could tell that Katie was nervous throughout the whole thing so I worked my wit and made everyone laugh with my comments on anything that came to my mind. There was something between Brent and I that made me feel in love.  He was gorgeous, in a band, tattooed, pierced, grunge style, hilarious, smoked cigarettes, and gave me attention.  (By this time I already knew our wedding date!)
    The four of us did not want the night to end, so we went to a hookah bar.  That was fun.  We all had inhale competitions with the hose; Brent smoked cigarettes so I doubted his capacity, but he beat all of us! When the hookah was finished, we were still not ready to depart.  Katie wanted to go to the beach. Sam, and Katie got alcohol from the liquor store across the street.
    We went to the beach and drank Mickey's beer and Captain Morgan. Sam and Katie were in their own world and didn't really pay any attention to Brent and I. So we got the hint and went off to walk along the water.  We shared a lot about ourselves to each other. I was so nervous and comfortable at the same time  just walking with him.  In the middle of him sharing something about himself to me, he complimented my nose (of all things), "I just have to say that you have an awesome nose!" I immediately laughed and said, "well, it does it's job."
   As we were walking back to Katie and Sam I was liking him more and more.  What really attracted me to him was that he got my sense of humor and that made me feel like he was seeing ME, not what was on the outside. Then he asked me, "Are you seeing anyone?" I said, "Nope.  The last guy I was with, which was a couple of weeks ago, he dumped me because I was fat to him."  He said, "Are you kidding? You are not fat."  When he said that, the rest of the walls that were up, broke down to dust and were blown away.  I blushed and said, "Thank you."
   As we were approaching back to Katie and Sam, Katie yelled to us, "Have you guys kissed yet?!" Brent responded, "Unfortunately, no." I cunningly asked, "Why haven't we?" Without skipping a beat he grabbed me and kissed me.  I swear I could hear the song We're In Heaven by DJ Sammy playing loud in my head. By that time I didn't want time to continue. So, Katie and Sam wanted Brent and I to spend the night at Sam's house which was about 30min away from La Mesa.  
    I went in Brent's car and Sam went in Katie's car. Brent needed gas to get back, so he asked me for 5 dollars, I gave it to him. As he was pumping gas he stood next to his window and stares at me. I said, "What?" He replied, "I can't stop looking at you." The second he finished that sentence I could hear him pee.  We both laughed!
   We beat them to Sam's house. When we got there, he went straight to a computer and showed me his Myspace along with his band's. In the middle of him showing me his band's music, he gets a call from Katie that she is lost because Sam fell asleep in the middle of giving her directions, so Brent directed her to the house. I was mad that he fell asleep because that was more time that I could have had with Brent.
   Everyone was tired.  I was hoping to sleep with Brent, but since Sam was already asleep, Katie wanted me to sleep with her.  We slept in the attic. (We didn't settle for the couches. I don't know why, but we didn't.) It was a tiny room that had carpet with a little window that didn't open. It had weird stairs in the laundry room to climb in order to get in the room. We talked and moved around a lot to get comfortable.  In the morning, Brent told us we sounded like hamsters that would not go to sleep.
    We spent the whole day with the boys. All of us went to a tattoo shop so Brent could get a tattoo across his chest.  It took FOREVER! Brent realized that he was supposed to be at work when he finished.  So, we all had to depart from each other and go home.  I gave Brent my number and vice versa.

    It was awesome in the beginning. We stayed in communication with each other even though Sam and Katie were breaking up and getting back together, so they were the least of our worries. Brent was a huge Angels and Airwaves fan. He went to one of their concerts one night and called me to tell me to look up one of their songs called Everything's Magic, because it reminded him of me.  I loved the song, I bought their album the next day. I had a lot of fun hanging out with him; he took me off-roading in his car, we both loved Angels and Airwaves and Tom Petty, we both made each other laugh.  Every time we would hang out it was awesome and I started to believe that I loved him.  My feelings were confusing to me so I let my mind convince me to test and see if I really loved him... I had sex with Brent.
   I was scared of what I was feeling. Here are some poems that I wrote during the confusion of my feelings for him:

Scared
I am so scared of getting hurt
I don't know if I should continue
I want to be with you
but I am afraid it won't work out
Your kiss is amazing
Your touch leaves me breathless
Your heart makes me want more of you
Tell me if I should proceed or not
I want to know sooner than later
I have been hurt before
You make me happy
Tell me what to do

Ready
I am ready to give you my hand
I am scared to give you my heart
I've been hurt
I've been used
Can you promise that you won't?
I've been told so many times "don't."
Please be gentle with me
that's all I ask of you

I'm quiet
I'm short with words
but believe me, thoughts run through
my head of only you
You are behind every thought
You are everything I do
There are 3 words I want to say
but am scared of
I love you

Untitled
I stare out into the night
thinking that you just might
be thinking of me
You scare me so much
but by your simple touch
you put my fear at ease
When you get that feeling
of your heart beating
baby please let that be
what you feel when you're with me
To wake up next to you
is what I've been wanting to do
Just to hear you breathe
would mean so much to me
Why can't I fully trust you
because I am scared of believing
that I love you

   All good things have to come to an end.  This is where it started to change.  It felt like I was the only one calling and trying to make plans with him.  He finally asked me to hang out with him one night and his friend, Nick.  He asked me if I had a friend for him. I was not with any friends, so I said that everyone was busy.  He came and picked me up with Nick.  They kept trying to call a bunch of people to see if they had something that he wouldn't tell me what it was.  We parked down a dark street where we had to wait....and wait....and wait. Then I heard Nick flick a lighter in the back seat and to what I thought was cigarette smoke I breathed it in and it smelled like the bottom of an old used barbecue.  I looked back and saw him crumple aluminum foil and I asked what that was, and he said trying to hold in the smoke, "Heroin."
   We got out of the car finally and went into a house on the street.  I took a shot of vodka when a random girl gave it to me.  I went outside to stand by Brent's car and made a phone call to Melody to talk to her because I didn't feel right in the house. I tried calling her a couple of times but no answer.  On my way back in the house, I hear Brent call my name.  He came up to me and he starts kissing me.  He then tells me, "Stay out here for a little bit, I will let you know when you can come back in."  I was already feeling the shot of vodka for not eating anything that day.  All I could say was, "Okay, let me know." Then he disappears.
   Melody finally answers after the fifth time calling.  I told her where I was, what happened in the car, and what Brent just told me. She said, "Adessa, I know you are feeling the shot right now because of how calm you are to tell me this.  You are going to listen to me and go into the house and go find him." I argued with her and said, "He told me not to go inside until he tells me to."   I hung up the phone and I walked up the walk-way. Thoughts were flowing in my head of drugs being everywhere.  I walked in and I saw Brent doing push-ups with a rubber band or something tightened around his arm.  He looks at me and carries on with his conversation.  I could tell that he didn't want me to be there at all.  He sits in a chair and I see him grab a syringe and he shoots something in his arm. After that was done, he took me home.
   It spiraled downward very quickly about a week after that experience.  He wasn't returning any of my calls or texts.  The more he wouldn't return any of them, the more I got confused.  I would freak out if my phone rang. Seeing that it wasn't him, got me telling myself, "Next time."  I started hating myself again, for being so available and easy.  I felt like nothing could make me feel better, but to listen to his voice, know that he was okay, or just see him.
   I was on Myspace and I saw that he put up a bunch of pictures with a tall blonde girl and they were kissing in these pictures.  Then I see that he was putting up that he loved a completely different girl.  I felt so used and disgusted with myself and I got extremely mad at him.  I happen to get in contact with one of the girls that he was dating, Andrea, and we talked about what I was going through the past five months with Brent. That boy didn't have very pretty colors on his coat tails of actions that he was trailing.
    Of all the things that were already wrong with the drugs, I chose to end it because he was seeing other girls.  I felt like I had given him my entire heart, all of my energy, and fell in love. I couldn't believe that he would play me like that and tell me everything I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted from me.  Brent hurt me very much and I hated myself, along with him.  He said that we could still be friends after all that happened when I found out about the other girls. I accepted his request, but I never followed through with it. Neither did he. I couldn't sleep, eat, or even find a genuine laugh from myself. I woke up depressed and went to bed depressed.  It was an ugly feeling. Marijuana was my best friend, once I started feeling soberness come back I smoked.  I would smoke until I threw up and then I would smoke more.
   Home was the last place I wanted to be.  I couldn't stand being at home.  I was getting yelled at already for not being home at all, not telling my parents where I was going, when I was going to be back, and not going to college.  I left constantly. I would hang out with Katie and go to Tijuana, Mexico. We would get drunk and have encounters with people that I didn't really know exactly what they looked like.  I  did everything that I thought would heal my pain of being a disappointment to my family, and dealing with a broken heart. Everything goes wrong with a broken heart.  Nothing seems right, but being under the influence of some kind of mind altering drug, or giving myself to a new guy.  Sleep was dangerous to me because my dreams seemed to attack and have Brent appear in every one of them.

Here are poems that I wrote to get my anger out:

In The End
If it was just me and you
what would you do?
Would you lean in
or just walk away,
like you did the day you slipped away?

I believed everything you said
Your words run in circles in my head
I keep everything inside
I only find comfort when I hide

You tore me apart
when you turned away
and broke my heart
Are you in any way happy
knowing you have hurt me?
Every night I lay in bed
and my heart can't seem to mend

I would do it all over again
Only to hope to hurt you in the end.

Untitled
These feelings are not new
Why do all my thoughts lead back to you?
All I want to do is forget you
I can't sleep
Everything I do revolves around you
Just being your friend is hard enough
looking at you is pretty rough
You used to give me butterflies
when I looked into your eyes
Now you make me sick
if I am around you for more than a minute
The thought of you cuts me to the bone
Just go away and leave me alone.

When I was writing those poems I would listen to music we would listen to, smoke marijuana, get drunk and reminisce on our fun times that would end up being thoughts of how much he hurt me.  These are some songs that I would listen to and cry:

Angels and Airwaves-"Everything's Magic"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie8WNGVCc6M

Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers- "American Girl"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5ccVWbteps

Peter Bjorn and John- "Young Folks"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0HIxJtLI_Q

Avril Lavigne- "I Miss You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QevQmM3v_U

Colbie Caillat- "Bubbly"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FjRyV-Mqh4

It took me a year to get over Brent. Without communication with him took a toll on me and it effected my work decisions. I was giving away my shifts like I needed to be at home more than getting money and being around people to get my mind off of him. I got a call from a previous co-worker from my first job, his name was Hayden.  He wanted to hang out and so we did.  I shared with him what happened to me in my previous relationships and he showed sympathy for it all by being there for me.  He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes because he treated me like I mattered...that didn't last very long...