::Identities have been concealed with different names::
After being drunk for the first time, I was so excited to do it again! I loved the feeling of numbness. I felt accepted by everyone because I didn't feel any judgement and I also had confidence to spark up a conversation with strangers...and it was so easy that I really didn't care about the person I was talking to. I was just happy and I wanted to converse with people and not want this confident feeling to go away. They didn't care what I did or said and the feeling was mutual. I was also dealing with a broken heart, so alcohol took my brokenness off my mind and put my attention on the immediate present. I was hoping drunkenness would sweep me away forever from my heartache.
I was practically born worried. I worried about everything. Even the little things, and to be introduced to something that clearly gave me the fat F word that I wanted, to FORGET, was like I found the cure for the anxious disease that I was infected with. I was immediately in love with the feeling that it gave me. My natural anxiety wanted it all the time. Since I was 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, I wanted to experience the life that I was sheltered from that clearly had the answer to my problems with my inner self.
Trent had given Brandon my cell number after the party. Brandon and I communicated by phone. We talked about our vices, likes, our dislikes...etc. We rarely talked on the phone. The majority of our communication was through text messages because of his work schedule. He worked when I got out of school, so we didn't really have time to talk on the phone. I found myself really liking him and liking the attention that he was giving me. He made me feel noticed, and I was definitely enjoying that.
About a week before graduation Brandon had finally asked me to hang out. It was a Saturday night and I had plans to hang out with my friend Megan. She agreed to hang out with him also. So, we met him at his apartment. Brandon asked us if we wanted to drink, Megan said she couldn't because she needed to drive back home, I said yes.
Brandon and I drank for a while, we were conversing and having a good time. I started to feel drunk after my second drink. Megan checked her phone and mentioned that it was approaching midnight. So, I was thinking to myself, "If I stay the night, he could just take me home in the morning, and I will just say I am spending the night at Megan's." So I proposed my idea to Megan and she was okay with it, and so was Brandon.
Megan left.
I was very nervous about being alone with him. I was really feeling the alcohol to the point where I didn't care what I said. He sat next to me and grabbed my face and started kissing me. Things got really heated. I started feeling things that I never felt before. Embracing each other while kissing was foreign to me, but awesome at the same time. I was used to just kissing and holding hands, that was it. To have someone touch and caress me while giving me affection for the first time made me think, "wow, I have missed out on what other girls are doing!"
Things got really heated. This was the first time I have ever been naked in front of anybody. I was wrestling with my hormones and my old promise that I had made when I was an early teen to save sex for my husband. Alcohol shut my heart up and I ran with what my mind was yelling. I really wanted to feel what the girls at school were raving about. They made it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
He knew I was a virgin and he asked me right before it happened, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I paused for what seemed like forever and said, "yes." Right before it was about to happen I was extremely scared of the pain that I was about to endure, and I was thinking of my future husband and what I was not about to give him. I thought, "well, there is no way you are going to turn back now. You already said yes." So, I went through with it. (The only thing I can reveal about the moment was that it HURT!)
I could not fall asleep that night. While he was asleep I just laid there, naked, and scared of what this meant. Nobody has ever seen me so vulnerable before. Then my mind showed up with compromises, "He really cares about me. He took care of me, and he must really like me if he wanted to do this and still want me to spend the night. He can't be like the typical guys the hit it and quit it, since I'm still here."
The next morning, I felt very different. I couldn't believe that I had given myself to him. I felt that I had lost my innocence forever. When he dropped me off at home, I went straight into my room and pondered on the entire night. Whenever I thought about it I frowned upon the entire decision. I gave my entire innocence to him. I kept repeating that to myself and hating myself for it. I felt extremely alone for the next few hours, but that could have been because I refused to leave my room. I swore that everyone could see that I was not a virgin anymore. The painful thought of not being a virgin anymore was so painful that I just buried it under more drunk sex with Brandon.
After graduation, we went on a couple of dates, then he asked me to be his girlfriend at a little hidden park. It was really romantic. The night that he asked me to be his girlfriend I went to his place. He had a new roommate and I found out that they used to date in high school, but she was living there with her current boyfriend. When I walked in, Brandon introduced me to her and she said, "Hello, I'm Katie. It's Odessa?" (I don't like when people say my name wrong) I snapped and said with an attitude, "No! It's Adessa, with an A."-- awkward silence... then we both laughed.
Katie and I got along very well. I was hanging out with her all the time when Brandon wasn't free. So, I would hang out with her in the daytime and wait for Brandon to come home from work. I did that for a little while.
There were a couple of random parties that we went to, I was the loudest person because I didn't want to stop drinking. I was around a lot of people that I didn't know so I needed to drink in order to talk to them. At every party Katie was there joined by her boyfriend and there was not one party that ended up being fun. All of them ended with Brandon passed out drunk on the floor and Katie upset at her boyfriend for not doing something for her; or he messed up by doing something that screwed up her entire world, so it all had to come crashing down and ruining the parties.
My parents thought it was not safe for me to be out and about after graduating high school and not looking at colleges. They would call me on my cell phone everyday and bug me to come home. I would tell my parents that it was okay and I would do it "tomorrow" every time. But I always felt the little voice inside of me telling me to go home, I always ignored it and I let Katie convince me to stay another night, and another, and another... This happened for a couple of weeks.
I had two trips to go on, both were a week long each. I would call Brandon everyday on my trips. Called him to say goodnight and good morning. When I cam back from my second trip, Trent told me that Brandon was seeing someone else...
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