My first relationship was with Dean. Never got intimate. I gave him my first kiss....had to take some pushing on my part, cause he was too nervous to kiss me, I ended up saying, "kiss me, damn it!"
he did! That was fun! Kissing to me felt like sliding into home every time and I was safe!
Dean had a personality that meshed very well with mine. He decided to join my youth group that was held at my church on Tuesday nights. I loved his presences there, everybody loved him and he made everyone laugh. (Since he made everyone have a good time I was already picking out our baby names.) We saw each other all the time whenever we could after school, spent breaks together, and before school if it was possible. He even ditched a couple of classes and sneaked into my classes. He was a huge romantic person to me. Dean and i were very well known in our theater classes, and he shared with the whole class that we were together and that he was very happy! It was super sweet! He surprised me on our 6 month anniversary and took me on the train to Disneyland.
All of a sudden I thought he was bitten by something because he started to act different towards me. He started to feel comfortable enough to call me names such as lazy and boring. He started to compare me to his friends because they liked to do things differently than me. So when I received the verbal assaults I decided to change whatever I could that made me match up to his friends. There was one mutual friend that he compared me to, her name was Brenda.
He went off to college and I was spending my senior year of high school in limbo with this relationship that meant everything to me. I wasn't being called to say good night and I wasn't being communicated to, sometimes in weeks. I was devastated. So, since I was an 18 year old girl who was curious about what's happening, I decided to become a detective. I found out through a friend that Brenda was hanging out with him and telling him I was flirting with other guys and trying to "get into their pants." I was furious with her. I called him a thousand times one night and he finally picked up. He believed everything she told him. I was so hurt. I told him it wasn't true and he still believed her. I felt so betrayed and alone. We stayed together for a little while longer. He ended up breaking up with me by making a scene at a concert that we ran into each other at, and Brenda was there with him.
Later I found out that Brenda and Dean were fooling around together while I was in limbo and worrying about the relationship. Her true colors weren't very pretty by the end of the school year.
I had never felt a break up before and it royally sucked. There was nothing to bring me up, make me smile, nothing was funny to me. It was so hard to get over him because he started off being my best friend and we created so many good and wonderful memories being friends. I would walk home after school and cry while looking through a box full of our stuff that accumulated over the season of our relationship. I called this box "My X-Box" written along the top of it.
These are a few poems that I wrote during our break up.
Silent Wanting
It just happened
You seemed like you didn't care
Now I am alone
You hurt me
I hurt you
It's just never meant to be
I miss you already
I want to feel you again
but I can't
You NEVER chose me
I was NEVER a priority
You made me feel
unhappy
unworthy
unwanted
...but I still miss you
Why does all of this have to happen?
All of this needs to leave me!
He is choosing you
He put you up
I was dropped form an invisible string
I am numb from the separation
I can see your apathetic smile
I don't care anymore
You can have what you want
You were never meant to be for me
Day one is the day I shall forever regret!
I wrote this next poem when I started to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel by being with my friends again and seeing who I was through them.
Untitled
I'm so happy without you
I have everything I need
I thought I would never recover
from all the pain you caused me
My friends love me dearly
They give me hope and joy
You make me worried and sick
Go, and cry to all your friends
with a backwards story
Because you can't stand on your own two feet
I'm proud to say I don't need you
You were a waste of time and energy for me
Yeah, I have dreams about you and I do cry sometimes
But I still have my feet to stand on
My friends are the causes of my smiles now
I really hope you say,
someday
"karma is a bitch."
I was barely with my friends throughout the relationship. I started hanging out with my friends after we broke up and it was different hanging out with them. You could say I was addicted to him and the relationship. I would ditch my friends to hang out with him and when I didn't see him I would go home after school to sleep, because that was the only thing that made the days go faster to when I would see him again.
It took me a long time to get over him. The pain that you feel of your first heartbreak is immediately fear. I feared for another girl catching his eye, being alone, my friends wouldn't be there for me, and I feared the next time I would see him. I also felt that he took my heart, stomped on it, and gave it back to me saying, "clean up my mess!" Then I felt anger towards him and how everything had gone wrong with the break up. I didn't know how to handle the pain, so I turned to blank lined paper, and music. The music that was attractive to me (now that I was heartbroken) was very sad and dark. Here are some songs that I turned to...
Annie Lennox-"Why"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYFUqxypkbA
Natasha Bedingfield-"I Bruise Easily"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShgqTSxJZDE
Daniel Bedingfield-"If You're Not The One"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K65JVsrxam8
Danity Kane-"Stay With Me"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBfECDhFnZI
Snow Patrol-"You Could Be Happy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ6ZVrLpfxw
This music made me feel good in a weird way. I had never had my heart broken before. So the feeling was very new and fresh behind my chest. I would cry every time I listened to all these songs. I was hurting and I didn't know exactly how to handle it. I was lost within myself. I found a little bit of pleasure in letting everyone know how he made me feel and what he did to me. But I still was secretly seeking his approval. I was no longer really thinking about myself and what I deserved. I believed everything he called me and so I changed myself so I could be someone else, because it was clear to me that I was not good enough to be in a relationship.
The time was approaching the supposed "one year" that Dean and I would have had. One of my friends, Trent would party a lot. I told him, "It would be my ex's and my one year in a couple of weeks, have a party. I wanna get drunk!" I never drank before and I was very curious to see how it felt to be drunk, because I would see pictures of people that went to my school drunk and saying great things about being drunk and forgetting all your problems and loving it!
Then he told me that his friend Brandon was having a party for his 21st birthday.
I was invited....
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