::Identities have been concealed with different names::
I met Hayden working at a place down the street from my house while I was dating Dean. He was one of the people that I leaned on for support through the drama that came with dating Dean. I told him about the other guys that I dated and he would tell me that they lost something good. I heard this saying over and over throughout all the breakups. So every time I heard that saying, I believed that it was just another way for everyone to say they were sorry and they didn't really care about it, nor the choice in guys that I was dating.
Hayden and I started on a fun level. We both knew enough about each other already because of our past friendship of working together, so that made me feel safe with trusting him with my heart. I wasn't completely over Brent, but it wouldn't hurt to try the dating world again since it's been a year, and especially with a past really close friend. I was proud of myself for choosing someone that I knew for a very long time already and he wasn't friends with any of my friends; so I didn't have a mutual friend that was a threat.
We hung out a lot. I got really close with my friend Valerie when Brent and I broke up. We were hanging out practically everyday. Then one night Hayden got off work early and he called to tell me that his best friend Mark was single and he wanted to hang out with us. I told him, "Well, you're in luck. I just so happen to be with my friend, Valerie and she is also on the market!" Valerie didn't like the idea at first. She was very cautious about it. She started rambling about if he was dangerous and if we were going anywhere she would be the one driving. I told her, "Life is supposed to be lived, not afraid of." With all of her might, she let her caution tape fly in the wind.
When they arrived, Valerie got out of the car and back in the car. I was really confused and I got back into the car and asked, "What the hell, what's wrong?" All she could say through a smile was, "He is so cute!" I was so relieved, I jumped out of the car to face their confused faces and said, "False alarm!"
That night Valerie and Mark immediately connected. They had so much in common it was ridiculous. They ended up getting together and Hayden and I were proud of our little work of art. We all went out on double dates for the whole summer and we had so much fun! Valerie and I got closer and we loved it. There was not one boring night when we all went out. It was like finding my second family in a way.
Hayden and I decided to get intimate early on in the relationship. I let him be intimate with me because being around him and being his girlfriend was amazing. The more I was around him, I didn't have the urge to smoke marijuana or drink. It was a different feeling being around him. He was on top of making me feel like a girlfriend and that made me feel good, but awkward at the same time within myself. I was not used to being treated like a woman that had importance in someone's life.
I asked him to come over and meet my family one day and he definitely made it clear that he didn't like that idea. He didn't even want me to meet his family. I told him that I wanted my family to meet him because he is the guy that makes me feel like I didn't need to hurt myself to feel good. He still didn't budge.
There was one day where my grandmother was coming over and I invited him. He said he would come over. When he did I saw that he had shaved and he dressed to impress. I felt good that he was making this decision for me. My grandma was over for about 10 minutes and he refused to come out of my living room. I was really confused. He got a phone call from Mark and he rushed out of the house as if it was on fire. He told me that he was going to be right back. I was left on the doorstep waiting for him. I got suspicious of him, so I called Mark and he said he didn't call Hayden at all. So, I was really hurt, confused, and mad. After that, I was calling Hayden's cell phone and he was not answering for hours. Then he answers and repeatedly told me that Mark was lying and he was at his house helping him with something.
I let it go because I didn't think I could have dealt with knowing he was cheating or doing drugs. Then one day we were in his car driving around and he asked me where I wanted to go. I didn't know where, so i told him, "Just cruise around the city and whatever catches our eyes, one of us will holler." All of a sudden the song Got To Be Real by Cheryl Lynn started playing, I turned up the song and I started singing and dancing. He kept trying to ask me where I wanted to go and every time he said it louder, I turned up the song. All of a sudden I saw that he saw red and he slapped me across the face and yelled, "Tell me where you want to go!" Shocked and totally taken back, I said, "Home is where I want to go!" He said, "Fine." He was practically racing the wind when he took me there. When I got out of the car I said, "Letting you know, we are done and I don't ever want to see you again." He apologized and said, "Baby, I love you." I laughed and said to him, "That sounded like it left a bad taste in your mouth. Goodbye."
I mustered up all my energy to not cry when he hit me, during the ride home, and walking to my door. But when I opened the door, I started bawling. I never knew what it was like to be hit by a man over a dumb reason. I remember the second his hand hit my face, I had Maury Povich's number running through my head. I had a quick montage of what it would be like to be on the Maury show.
I was so confused by how he made me feel in the beginning. He let me believe that he truly cared about me and that I meant something. So, I went on a marijuana and alcohol spree again. I was in that for about 3 months. By this time, I was loathing myself. I had to be alone. I was only working a retail job and that was it. Before work, during breaks, and after work I was smoking marijuana in my car. I was miserable. I convinced myself that I was not going to pursue my goals in life and I was destined for a life of loneliness.
One day at work, I saw a new employee. I literally went weak in the knees the second I saw him. He had long dark brown hair just passed the shoulders, had liquid golden brown eyes, and a mustache with a goatee. My heart was immediately captured. I guess its a whole new ball game from here...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
#7 ...NOT EVERYTHING IS MAGIC
::Identities have been concealed with different names::
Katie wanted to go get an outfit for the blind date so we went to the mall and she got an outfit. She took forever to get an outfit, as if it was really important to pretty much not wear a thing with what she chose to wear when she left the store. I was nervous too because I was basically doing the same thing. They met us at the restaurant across the parking lot of the mall that I worked at.
When we got there they immediately spotted us and we sat down with them. Brent was very handsome. He had dark hair, dark eyes, had gauged ears, tattoos, pierced lip and he wore a brown faded t-shirt with black shorts. He was totally my type.
We all hit it off very quickly. I could tell that Katie was nervous throughout the whole thing so I worked my wit and made everyone laugh with my comments on anything that came to my mind. There was something between Brent and I that made me feel in love. He was gorgeous, in a band, tattooed, pierced, grunge style, hilarious, smoked cigarettes, and gave me attention. (By this time I already knew our wedding date!)
The four of us did not want the night to end, so we went to a hookah bar. That was fun. We all had inhale competitions with the hose; Brent smoked cigarettes so I doubted his capacity, but he beat all of us! When the hookah was finished, we were still not ready to depart. Katie wanted to go to the beach. Sam, and Katie got alcohol from the liquor store across the street.
We went to the beach and drank Mickey's beer and Captain Morgan. Sam and Katie were in their own world and didn't really pay any attention to Brent and I. So we got the hint and went off to walk along the water. We shared a lot about ourselves to each other. I was so nervous and comfortable at the same time just walking with him. In the middle of him sharing something about himself to me, he complimented my nose (of all things), "I just have to say that you have an awesome nose!" I immediately laughed and said, "well, it does it's job."
As we were walking back to Katie and Sam I was liking him more and more. What really attracted me to him was that he got my sense of humor and that made me feel like he was seeing ME, not what was on the outside. Then he asked me, "Are you seeing anyone?" I said, "Nope. The last guy I was with, which was a couple of weeks ago, he dumped me because I was fat to him." He said, "Are you kidding? You are not fat." When he said that, the rest of the walls that were up, broke down to dust and were blown away. I blushed and said, "Thank you."
As we were approaching back to Katie and Sam, Katie yelled to us, "Have you guys kissed yet?!" Brent responded, "Unfortunately, no." I cunningly asked, "Why haven't we?" Without skipping a beat he grabbed me and kissed me. I swear I could hear the song We're In Heaven by DJ Sammy playing loud in my head. By that time I didn't want time to continue. So, Katie and Sam wanted Brent and I to spend the night at Sam's house which was about 30min away from La Mesa.
I went in Brent's car and Sam went in Katie's car. Brent needed gas to get back, so he asked me for 5 dollars, I gave it to him. As he was pumping gas he stood next to his window and stares at me. I said, "What?" He replied, "I can't stop looking at you." The second he finished that sentence I could hear him pee. We both laughed!
We beat them to Sam's house. When we got there, he went straight to a computer and showed me his Myspace along with his band's. In the middle of him showing me his band's music, he gets a call from Katie that she is lost because Sam fell asleep in the middle of giving her directions, so Brent directed her to the house. I was mad that he fell asleep because that was more time that I could have had with Brent.
Everyone was tired. I was hoping to sleep with Brent, but since Sam was already asleep, Katie wanted me to sleep with her. We slept in the attic. (We didn't settle for the couches. I don't know why, but we didn't.) It was a tiny room that had carpet with a little window that didn't open. It had weird stairs in the laundry room to climb in order to get in the room. We talked and moved around a lot to get comfortable. In the morning, Brent told us we sounded like hamsters that would not go to sleep.
We spent the whole day with the boys. All of us went to a tattoo shop so Brent could get a tattoo across his chest. It took FOREVER! Brent realized that he was supposed to be at work when he finished. So, we all had to depart from each other and go home. I gave Brent my number and vice versa.
It was awesome in the beginning. We stayed in communication with each other even though Sam and Katie were breaking up and getting back together, so they were the least of our worries. Brent was a huge Angels and Airwaves fan. He went to one of their concerts one night and called me to tell me to look up one of their songs called Everything's Magic, because it reminded him of me. I loved the song, I bought their album the next day. I had a lot of fun hanging out with him; he took me off-roading in his car, we both loved Angels and Airwaves and Tom Petty, we both made each other laugh. Every time we would hang out it was awesome and I started to believe that I loved him. My feelings were confusing to me so I let my mind convince me to test and see if I really loved him... I had sex with Brent.
I was scared of what I was feeling. Here are some poems that I wrote during the confusion of my feelings for him:
Scared
I am so scared of getting hurt
I don't know if I should continue
I want to be with you
but I am afraid it won't work out
Your kiss is amazing
Your touch leaves me breathless
Your heart makes me want more of you
Tell me if I should proceed or not
I want to know sooner than later
I have been hurt before
You make me happy
Tell me what to do
Ready
I am ready to give you my hand
I am scared to give you my heart
I've been hurt
I've been used
Can you promise that you won't?
I've been told so many times "don't."
Please be gentle with me
that's all I ask of you
I'm quiet
I'm short with words
but believe me, thoughts run through
my head of only you
You are behind every thought
You are everything I do
There are 3 words I want to say
but am scared of
I love you
Untitled
I stare out into the night
thinking that you just might
be thinking of me
You scare me so much
but by your simple touch
you put my fear at ease
When you get that feeling
of your heart beating
baby please let that be
what you feel when you're with me
To wake up next to you
is what I've been wanting to do
Just to hear you breathe
would mean so much to me
Why can't I fully trust you
because I am scared of believing
that I love you
All good things have to come to an end. This is where it started to change. It felt like I was the only one calling and trying to make plans with him. He finally asked me to hang out with him one night and his friend, Nick. He asked me if I had a friend for him. I was not with any friends, so I said that everyone was busy. He came and picked me up with Nick. They kept trying to call a bunch of people to see if they had something that he wouldn't tell me what it was. We parked down a dark street where we had to wait....and wait....and wait. Then I heard Nick flick a lighter in the back seat and to what I thought was cigarette smoke I breathed it in and it smelled like the bottom of an old used barbecue. I looked back and saw him crumple aluminum foil and I asked what that was, and he said trying to hold in the smoke, "Heroin."
We got out of the car finally and went into a house on the street. I took a shot of vodka when a random girl gave it to me. I went outside to stand by Brent's car and made a phone call to Melody to talk to her because I didn't feel right in the house. I tried calling her a couple of times but no answer. On my way back in the house, I hear Brent call my name. He came up to me and he starts kissing me. He then tells me, "Stay out here for a little bit, I will let you know when you can come back in." I was already feeling the shot of vodka for not eating anything that day. All I could say was, "Okay, let me know." Then he disappears.
Melody finally answers after the fifth time calling. I told her where I was, what happened in the car, and what Brent just told me. She said, "Adessa, I know you are feeling the shot right now because of how calm you are to tell me this. You are going to listen to me and go into the house and go find him." I argued with her and said, "He told me not to go inside until he tells me to." I hung up the phone and I walked up the walk-way. Thoughts were flowing in my head of drugs being everywhere. I walked in and I saw Brent doing push-ups with a rubber band or something tightened around his arm. He looks at me and carries on with his conversation. I could tell that he didn't want me to be there at all. He sits in a chair and I see him grab a syringe and he shoots something in his arm. After that was done, he took me home.
It spiraled downward very quickly about a week after that experience. He wasn't returning any of my calls or texts. The more he wouldn't return any of them, the more I got confused. I would freak out if my phone rang. Seeing that it wasn't him, got me telling myself, "Next time." I started hating myself again, for being so available and easy. I felt like nothing could make me feel better, but to listen to his voice, know that he was okay, or just see him.
I was on Myspace and I saw that he put up a bunch of pictures with a tall blonde girl and they were kissing in these pictures. Then I see that he was putting up that he loved a completely different girl. I felt so used and disgusted with myself and I got extremely mad at him. I happen to get in contact with one of the girls that he was dating, Andrea, and we talked about what I was going through the past five months with Brent. That boy didn't have very pretty colors on his coat tails of actions that he was trailing.
Of all the things that were already wrong with the drugs, I chose to end it because he was seeing other girls. I felt like I had given him my entire heart, all of my energy, and fell in love. I couldn't believe that he would play me like that and tell me everything I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted from me. Brent hurt me very much and I hated myself, along with him. He said that we could still be friends after all that happened when I found out about the other girls. I accepted his request, but I never followed through with it. Neither did he. I couldn't sleep, eat, or even find a genuine laugh from myself. I woke up depressed and went to bed depressed. It was an ugly feeling. Marijuana was my best friend, once I started feeling soberness come back I smoked. I would smoke until I threw up and then I would smoke more.
Home was the last place I wanted to be. I couldn't stand being at home. I was getting yelled at already for not being home at all, not telling my parents where I was going, when I was going to be back, and not going to college. I left constantly. I would hang out with Katie and go to Tijuana, Mexico. We would get drunk and have encounters with people that I didn't really know exactly what they looked like. I did everything that I thought would heal my pain of being a disappointment to my family, and dealing with a broken heart. Everything goes wrong with a broken heart. Nothing seems right, but being under the influence of some kind of mind altering drug, or giving myself to a new guy. Sleep was dangerous to me because my dreams seemed to attack and have Brent appear in every one of them.
Here are poems that I wrote to get my anger out:
In The End
If it was just me and you
what would you do?
Would you lean in
or just walk away,
like you did the day you slipped away?
I believed everything you said
Your words run in circles in my head
I keep everything inside
I only find comfort when I hide
You tore me apart
when you turned away
and broke my heart
Are you in any way happy
knowing you have hurt me?
Every night I lay in bed
and my heart can't seem to mend
I would do it all over again
Only to hope to hurt you in the end.
Untitled
These feelings are not new
Why do all my thoughts lead back to you?
All I want to do is forget you
I can't sleep
Everything I do revolves around you
Just being your friend is hard enough
looking at you is pretty rough
You used to give me butterflies
when I looked into your eyes
Now you make me sick
if I am around you for more than a minute
The thought of you cuts me to the bone
Just go away and leave me alone.
When I was writing those poems I would listen to music we would listen to, smoke marijuana, get drunk and reminisce on our fun times that would end up being thoughts of how much he hurt me. These are some songs that I would listen to and cry:
Angels and Airwaves-"Everything's Magic"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie8WNGVCc6M
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers- "American Girl"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5ccVWbteps
Peter Bjorn and John- "Young Folks"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0HIxJtLI_Q
Avril Lavigne- "I Miss You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QevQmM3v_U
Colbie Caillat- "Bubbly"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FjRyV-Mqh4
It took me a year to get over Brent. Without communication with him took a toll on me and it effected my work decisions. I was giving away my shifts like I needed to be at home more than getting money and being around people to get my mind off of him. I got a call from a previous co-worker from my first job, his name was Hayden. He wanted to hang out and so we did. I shared with him what happened to me in my previous relationships and he showed sympathy for it all by being there for me. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes because he treated me like I mattered...that didn't last very long...
Katie wanted to go get an outfit for the blind date so we went to the mall and she got an outfit. She took forever to get an outfit, as if it was really important to pretty much not wear a thing with what she chose to wear when she left the store. I was nervous too because I was basically doing the same thing. They met us at the restaurant across the parking lot of the mall that I worked at.
When we got there they immediately spotted us and we sat down with them. Brent was very handsome. He had dark hair, dark eyes, had gauged ears, tattoos, pierced lip and he wore a brown faded t-shirt with black shorts. He was totally my type.
We all hit it off very quickly. I could tell that Katie was nervous throughout the whole thing so I worked my wit and made everyone laugh with my comments on anything that came to my mind. There was something between Brent and I that made me feel in love. He was gorgeous, in a band, tattooed, pierced, grunge style, hilarious, smoked cigarettes, and gave me attention. (By this time I already knew our wedding date!)
The four of us did not want the night to end, so we went to a hookah bar. That was fun. We all had inhale competitions with the hose; Brent smoked cigarettes so I doubted his capacity, but he beat all of us! When the hookah was finished, we were still not ready to depart. Katie wanted to go to the beach. Sam, and Katie got alcohol from the liquor store across the street.
We went to the beach and drank Mickey's beer and Captain Morgan. Sam and Katie were in their own world and didn't really pay any attention to Brent and I. So we got the hint and went off to walk along the water. We shared a lot about ourselves to each other. I was so nervous and comfortable at the same time just walking with him. In the middle of him sharing something about himself to me, he complimented my nose (of all things), "I just have to say that you have an awesome nose!" I immediately laughed and said, "well, it does it's job."
As we were walking back to Katie and Sam I was liking him more and more. What really attracted me to him was that he got my sense of humor and that made me feel like he was seeing ME, not what was on the outside. Then he asked me, "Are you seeing anyone?" I said, "Nope. The last guy I was with, which was a couple of weeks ago, he dumped me because I was fat to him." He said, "Are you kidding? You are not fat." When he said that, the rest of the walls that were up, broke down to dust and were blown away. I blushed and said, "Thank you."
As we were approaching back to Katie and Sam, Katie yelled to us, "Have you guys kissed yet?!" Brent responded, "Unfortunately, no." I cunningly asked, "Why haven't we?" Without skipping a beat he grabbed me and kissed me. I swear I could hear the song We're In Heaven by DJ Sammy playing loud in my head. By that time I didn't want time to continue. So, Katie and Sam wanted Brent and I to spend the night at Sam's house which was about 30min away from La Mesa.
I went in Brent's car and Sam went in Katie's car. Brent needed gas to get back, so he asked me for 5 dollars, I gave it to him. As he was pumping gas he stood next to his window and stares at me. I said, "What?" He replied, "I can't stop looking at you." The second he finished that sentence I could hear him pee. We both laughed!
We beat them to Sam's house. When we got there, he went straight to a computer and showed me his Myspace along with his band's. In the middle of him showing me his band's music, he gets a call from Katie that she is lost because Sam fell asleep in the middle of giving her directions, so Brent directed her to the house. I was mad that he fell asleep because that was more time that I could have had with Brent.
Everyone was tired. I was hoping to sleep with Brent, but since Sam was already asleep, Katie wanted me to sleep with her. We slept in the attic. (We didn't settle for the couches. I don't know why, but we didn't.) It was a tiny room that had carpet with a little window that didn't open. It had weird stairs in the laundry room to climb in order to get in the room. We talked and moved around a lot to get comfortable. In the morning, Brent told us we sounded like hamsters that would not go to sleep.
We spent the whole day with the boys. All of us went to a tattoo shop so Brent could get a tattoo across his chest. It took FOREVER! Brent realized that he was supposed to be at work when he finished. So, we all had to depart from each other and go home. I gave Brent my number and vice versa.
It was awesome in the beginning. We stayed in communication with each other even though Sam and Katie were breaking up and getting back together, so they were the least of our worries. Brent was a huge Angels and Airwaves fan. He went to one of their concerts one night and called me to tell me to look up one of their songs called Everything's Magic, because it reminded him of me. I loved the song, I bought their album the next day. I had a lot of fun hanging out with him; he took me off-roading in his car, we both loved Angels and Airwaves and Tom Petty, we both made each other laugh. Every time we would hang out it was awesome and I started to believe that I loved him. My feelings were confusing to me so I let my mind convince me to test and see if I really loved him... I had sex with Brent.
I was scared of what I was feeling. Here are some poems that I wrote during the confusion of my feelings for him:
Scared
I am so scared of getting hurt
I don't know if I should continue
I want to be with you
but I am afraid it won't work out
Your kiss is amazing
Your touch leaves me breathless
Your heart makes me want more of you
Tell me if I should proceed or not
I want to know sooner than later
I have been hurt before
You make me happy
Tell me what to do
Ready
I am ready to give you my hand
I am scared to give you my heart
I've been hurt
I've been used
Can you promise that you won't?
I've been told so many times "don't."
Please be gentle with me
that's all I ask of you
I'm quiet
I'm short with words
but believe me, thoughts run through
my head of only you
You are behind every thought
You are everything I do
There are 3 words I want to say
but am scared of
I love you
Untitled
I stare out into the night
thinking that you just might
be thinking of me
You scare me so much
but by your simple touch
you put my fear at ease
When you get that feeling
of your heart beating
baby please let that be
what you feel when you're with me
To wake up next to you
is what I've been wanting to do
Just to hear you breathe
would mean so much to me
Why can't I fully trust you
because I am scared of believing
that I love you
All good things have to come to an end. This is where it started to change. It felt like I was the only one calling and trying to make plans with him. He finally asked me to hang out with him one night and his friend, Nick. He asked me if I had a friend for him. I was not with any friends, so I said that everyone was busy. He came and picked me up with Nick. They kept trying to call a bunch of people to see if they had something that he wouldn't tell me what it was. We parked down a dark street where we had to wait....and wait....and wait. Then I heard Nick flick a lighter in the back seat and to what I thought was cigarette smoke I breathed it in and it smelled like the bottom of an old used barbecue. I looked back and saw him crumple aluminum foil and I asked what that was, and he said trying to hold in the smoke, "Heroin."
We got out of the car finally and went into a house on the street. I took a shot of vodka when a random girl gave it to me. I went outside to stand by Brent's car and made a phone call to Melody to talk to her because I didn't feel right in the house. I tried calling her a couple of times but no answer. On my way back in the house, I hear Brent call my name. He came up to me and he starts kissing me. He then tells me, "Stay out here for a little bit, I will let you know when you can come back in." I was already feeling the shot of vodka for not eating anything that day. All I could say was, "Okay, let me know." Then he disappears.
Melody finally answers after the fifth time calling. I told her where I was, what happened in the car, and what Brent just told me. She said, "Adessa, I know you are feeling the shot right now because of how calm you are to tell me this. You are going to listen to me and go into the house and go find him." I argued with her and said, "He told me not to go inside until he tells me to." I hung up the phone and I walked up the walk-way. Thoughts were flowing in my head of drugs being everywhere. I walked in and I saw Brent doing push-ups with a rubber band or something tightened around his arm. He looks at me and carries on with his conversation. I could tell that he didn't want me to be there at all. He sits in a chair and I see him grab a syringe and he shoots something in his arm. After that was done, he took me home.
It spiraled downward very quickly about a week after that experience. He wasn't returning any of my calls or texts. The more he wouldn't return any of them, the more I got confused. I would freak out if my phone rang. Seeing that it wasn't him, got me telling myself, "Next time." I started hating myself again, for being so available and easy. I felt like nothing could make me feel better, but to listen to his voice, know that he was okay, or just see him.
I was on Myspace and I saw that he put up a bunch of pictures with a tall blonde girl and they were kissing in these pictures. Then I see that he was putting up that he loved a completely different girl. I felt so used and disgusted with myself and I got extremely mad at him. I happen to get in contact with one of the girls that he was dating, Andrea, and we talked about what I was going through the past five months with Brent. That boy didn't have very pretty colors on his coat tails of actions that he was trailing.
Of all the things that were already wrong with the drugs, I chose to end it because he was seeing other girls. I felt like I had given him my entire heart, all of my energy, and fell in love. I couldn't believe that he would play me like that and tell me everything I wanted to hear just to get what he wanted from me. Brent hurt me very much and I hated myself, along with him. He said that we could still be friends after all that happened when I found out about the other girls. I accepted his request, but I never followed through with it. Neither did he. I couldn't sleep, eat, or even find a genuine laugh from myself. I woke up depressed and went to bed depressed. It was an ugly feeling. Marijuana was my best friend, once I started feeling soberness come back I smoked. I would smoke until I threw up and then I would smoke more.
Home was the last place I wanted to be. I couldn't stand being at home. I was getting yelled at already for not being home at all, not telling my parents where I was going, when I was going to be back, and not going to college. I left constantly. I would hang out with Katie and go to Tijuana, Mexico. We would get drunk and have encounters with people that I didn't really know exactly what they looked like. I did everything that I thought would heal my pain of being a disappointment to my family, and dealing with a broken heart. Everything goes wrong with a broken heart. Nothing seems right, but being under the influence of some kind of mind altering drug, or giving myself to a new guy. Sleep was dangerous to me because my dreams seemed to attack and have Brent appear in every one of them.
Here are poems that I wrote to get my anger out:
In The End
If it was just me and you
what would you do?
Would you lean in
or just walk away,
like you did the day you slipped away?
I believed everything you said
Your words run in circles in my head
I keep everything inside
I only find comfort when I hide
You tore me apart
when you turned away
and broke my heart
Are you in any way happy
knowing you have hurt me?
Every night I lay in bed
and my heart can't seem to mend
I would do it all over again
Only to hope to hurt you in the end.
Untitled
These feelings are not new
Why do all my thoughts lead back to you?
All I want to do is forget you
I can't sleep
Everything I do revolves around you
Just being your friend is hard enough
looking at you is pretty rough
You used to give me butterflies
when I looked into your eyes
Now you make me sick
if I am around you for more than a minute
The thought of you cuts me to the bone
Just go away and leave me alone.
When I was writing those poems I would listen to music we would listen to, smoke marijuana, get drunk and reminisce on our fun times that would end up being thoughts of how much he hurt me. These are some songs that I would listen to and cry:
Angels and Airwaves-"Everything's Magic"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie8WNGVCc6M
Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers- "American Girl"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5ccVWbteps
Peter Bjorn and John- "Young Folks"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0HIxJtLI_Q
Avril Lavigne- "I Miss You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QevQmM3v_U
Colbie Caillat- "Bubbly"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FjRyV-Mqh4
It took me a year to get over Brent. Without communication with him took a toll on me and it effected my work decisions. I was giving away my shifts like I needed to be at home more than getting money and being around people to get my mind off of him. I got a call from a previous co-worker from my first job, his name was Hayden. He wanted to hang out and so we did. I shared with him what happened to me in my previous relationships and he showed sympathy for it all by being there for me. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes because he treated me like I mattered...that didn't last very long...
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
#6 NOT THE ONLY PAWN BEING PLAYED ON THE BOARD
::Identities have been concealed with different names::
When I received the news that Brandon was seeing someone else, I approached him with what was brought to my attention and he denied it. So, I didn't think anything of it because he obviously loved and cared for me if he let me give myself to him. Trent told me that he was seeing a girl named Anna and she has liked Brandon for a long time. Trent also informed me that they work together. I was not intimidated because I kept thinking of him taking my virginity and how important that was.
I was hanging out with Katie one day and she told me she caught Brandon going out in the middle of the night. He wouldn't say where he was going or who he was seeing. That made my heart sink. He always told me that he was going to bed early and that he would text me in the morning, so I trusted him and left him alone. Then she told me of one particular night, he had gotten drunk with his friends at the apartment and his "filter" was not turned on in his brain because he said to everyone, "I am only with her because I took her virginity, I don't like having sex with her because she isn't attractive to me, she has a huge stomach!" I immediately cried when I heard that. I went home and wept for hours.
I remembered my friend Melody smoked marijuana and I called her and asked her if I could come over. I went over to her place and told her what happened. She got so furious with him. I told her that I could not handle this pain and asked her if I could smoke marijuana with her. She looked at me like I was crazy and she handed me the pipe and said, "This is your choice." I replied, "I know."
When I smoked marijuana, it took my mind off of what happened. I was enjoying the time I was having with Melody and sharing my pain with her without feeling it. I was saying things that were funny and I didn't care what I said or did. I didn't know I was stoned until I started walking... I walked to the kitchen to get a drink and I said, "Melody, when I move, the earth moves with me!" Both of us fell to the floor and laughed so hard.
The next morning I woke up very angry and depressed. I called Katie and told her to come and pick me up and take me to her apartment. I knew Brandon was off that day so this was going to be a piece of cake to corner him. When I got there I went right into his room, he was asleep. I sat next to his bed and I said to him, "Wake up! we need to talk." So, he got up. I said, "This will not be a conversation, this will only be me talking. I know about this other girl that you have been seeing, and I know that I am not very appealing to you because it was brought to my attention that you think I have a huge stomach." Literally right after I said that he says with no hesitation, "Well, now I know not to trust Katie with anything."
My heart sunk inside my chest. He pretty much confessed without saying the confession. He was only with me because I was naive and I was not going to say "no" to an opportunity to get in bed with my boyfriend. I was very hurt. I tried to get Katie to take me back home, but she refused because she got back in bed with her boyfriend. So, I was stuck like chuck and posted like a stamp until Katie decided to actually start her day around the middle of the afternoon.
When I got home, I was very angry, hurt, embarrassed and felt like a fool for letting myself convince me to let him take my virginity. This is when I started to hate myself and not care about anyone. I started smoking marijuana everyday and stayed away from home. I was very ashamed of who I was starting to become. So the fact that I let that happen, let me know how much I actually didn't care about myself.
I was also telling myself that I fell in love with him and that I will never meet another guy and love again.
This is some poetry that I wrote during this heartbreak:
Untitled
I woke up today
Without you
I can't get through
But I'll love you anyway
The Last
I am going to hate today
I will see you and not be able to get through
our last day
I miss you already
I do not want to know
when you have to go
These are the last words
I am going to say to you
something in me broods love into fear
Left Here
This is where you left me
This is where you said everything
This is where we grew apart
This is where you broke my heart
I miss you terribly
If you could only see
you belong to me
It seemed that I had a natural gravitation towards dark and depressing music. I loved it. What made the music more tolerable and helped me not to cry was marijuana. I was hurting inside from the insult that my ex had said about me. So I would go into my own little world with marijuana and listen to my music.
These are some of the songs that I would listen to:
Eve 6-"Here's To The Nights"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_qnT7YV-Hc
Alexz Johnson-"Skin"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITasHmmJ5TQ
Kelly Clarkson-"I Hate Myself For Losing You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WqpMDLsS8c
Mika-"Erase"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY27TNJGnSM
I was hanging out with Katie a lot after Brandon and I broke up. I would still go over to his apartment and go to his parties. He didn't like that I was coming over. Katie told him, "Well, she is still my friend, you cannot tell me who I can bring over to my apartment." So, I watched him bring different girls to the parties and bring all of them to his bedroom. One night, he did not succeed because he was crying over how him and I broke up. I had to watch his friends try to comfort him drunk-crying and saying how bad he felt. I have to admit that I LOVED watching him hurt.
Katie smoked cigarettes and we were driving one day while I was venting about Brandon. I looked underneath her stereo and I asked, "Can I have a cigarette?" She said, "yeah." When I inhaled I coughed like I was choking. Then i wanted another and another... I bought my own pack of cigarettes that night.
So, a couple of weeks go by of partying and crying, Katie tells me that she met a guy online and she wanted me to come with her on her date. I told her, "I am not going to be the third wheel on this date, I will go if there was another guy for me to go out with." So she used her magic and got the guy to bring a friend. Her date was Sam, and his friend was Brent....
When I received the news that Brandon was seeing someone else, I approached him with what was brought to my attention and he denied it. So, I didn't think anything of it because he obviously loved and cared for me if he let me give myself to him. Trent told me that he was seeing a girl named Anna and she has liked Brandon for a long time. Trent also informed me that they work together. I was not intimidated because I kept thinking of him taking my virginity and how important that was.
I was hanging out with Katie one day and she told me she caught Brandon going out in the middle of the night. He wouldn't say where he was going or who he was seeing. That made my heart sink. He always told me that he was going to bed early and that he would text me in the morning, so I trusted him and left him alone. Then she told me of one particular night, he had gotten drunk with his friends at the apartment and his "filter" was not turned on in his brain because he said to everyone, "I am only with her because I took her virginity, I don't like having sex with her because she isn't attractive to me, she has a huge stomach!" I immediately cried when I heard that. I went home and wept for hours.
I remembered my friend Melody smoked marijuana and I called her and asked her if I could come over. I went over to her place and told her what happened. She got so furious with him. I told her that I could not handle this pain and asked her if I could smoke marijuana with her. She looked at me like I was crazy and she handed me the pipe and said, "This is your choice." I replied, "I know."
When I smoked marijuana, it took my mind off of what happened. I was enjoying the time I was having with Melody and sharing my pain with her without feeling it. I was saying things that were funny and I didn't care what I said or did. I didn't know I was stoned until I started walking... I walked to the kitchen to get a drink and I said, "Melody, when I move, the earth moves with me!" Both of us fell to the floor and laughed so hard.
The next morning I woke up very angry and depressed. I called Katie and told her to come and pick me up and take me to her apartment. I knew Brandon was off that day so this was going to be a piece of cake to corner him. When I got there I went right into his room, he was asleep. I sat next to his bed and I said to him, "Wake up! we need to talk." So, he got up. I said, "This will not be a conversation, this will only be me talking. I know about this other girl that you have been seeing, and I know that I am not very appealing to you because it was brought to my attention that you think I have a huge stomach." Literally right after I said that he says with no hesitation, "Well, now I know not to trust Katie with anything."
My heart sunk inside my chest. He pretty much confessed without saying the confession. He was only with me because I was naive and I was not going to say "no" to an opportunity to get in bed with my boyfriend. I was very hurt. I tried to get Katie to take me back home, but she refused because she got back in bed with her boyfriend. So, I was stuck like chuck and posted like a stamp until Katie decided to actually start her day around the middle of the afternoon.
When I got home, I was very angry, hurt, embarrassed and felt like a fool for letting myself convince me to let him take my virginity. This is when I started to hate myself and not care about anyone. I started smoking marijuana everyday and stayed away from home. I was very ashamed of who I was starting to become. So the fact that I let that happen, let me know how much I actually didn't care about myself.
I was also telling myself that I fell in love with him and that I will never meet another guy and love again.
This is some poetry that I wrote during this heartbreak:
Untitled
I woke up today
Without you
I can't get through
But I'll love you anyway
The Last
I am going to hate today
I will see you and not be able to get through
our last day
I miss you already
I do not want to know
when you have to go
These are the last words
I am going to say to you
something in me broods love into fear
Left Here
This is where you left me
This is where you said everything
This is where we grew apart
This is where you broke my heart
I miss you terribly
If you could only see
you belong to me
It seemed that I had a natural gravitation towards dark and depressing music. I loved it. What made the music more tolerable and helped me not to cry was marijuana. I was hurting inside from the insult that my ex had said about me. So I would go into my own little world with marijuana and listen to my music.
These are some of the songs that I would listen to:
Eve 6-"Here's To The Nights"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_qnT7YV-Hc
Alexz Johnson-"Skin"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITasHmmJ5TQ
Kelly Clarkson-"I Hate Myself For Losing You"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WqpMDLsS8c
Mika-"Erase"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY27TNJGnSM
I was hanging out with Katie a lot after Brandon and I broke up. I would still go over to his apartment and go to his parties. He didn't like that I was coming over. Katie told him, "Well, she is still my friend, you cannot tell me who I can bring over to my apartment." So, I watched him bring different girls to the parties and bring all of them to his bedroom. One night, he did not succeed because he was crying over how him and I broke up. I had to watch his friends try to comfort him drunk-crying and saying how bad he felt. I have to admit that I LOVED watching him hurt.
Katie smoked cigarettes and we were driving one day while I was venting about Brandon. I looked underneath her stereo and I asked, "Can I have a cigarette?" She said, "yeah." When I inhaled I coughed like I was choking. Then i wanted another and another... I bought my own pack of cigarettes that night.
So, a couple of weeks go by of partying and crying, Katie tells me that she met a guy online and she wanted me to come with her on her date. I told her, "I am not going to be the third wheel on this date, I will go if there was another guy for me to go out with." So she used her magic and got the guy to bring a friend. Her date was Sam, and his friend was Brent....
Sunday, September 4, 2011
#5 GIVE IT, DON'T LOSE IT...
::Identities have been concealed with different names::
After being drunk for the first time, I was so excited to do it again! I loved the feeling of numbness. I felt accepted by everyone because I didn't feel any judgement and I also had confidence to spark up a conversation with strangers...and it was so easy that I really didn't care about the person I was talking to. I was just happy and I wanted to converse with people and not want this confident feeling to go away. They didn't care what I did or said and the feeling was mutual. I was also dealing with a broken heart, so alcohol took my brokenness off my mind and put my attention on the immediate present. I was hoping drunkenness would sweep me away forever from my heartache.
I was practically born worried. I worried about everything. Even the little things, and to be introduced to something that clearly gave me the fat F word that I wanted, to FORGET, was like I found the cure for the anxious disease that I was infected with. I was immediately in love with the feeling that it gave me. My natural anxiety wanted it all the time. Since I was 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, I wanted to experience the life that I was sheltered from that clearly had the answer to my problems with my inner self.
Trent had given Brandon my cell number after the party. Brandon and I communicated by phone. We talked about our vices, likes, our dislikes...etc. We rarely talked on the phone. The majority of our communication was through text messages because of his work schedule. He worked when I got out of school, so we didn't really have time to talk on the phone. I found myself really liking him and liking the attention that he was giving me. He made me feel noticed, and I was definitely enjoying that.
About a week before graduation Brandon had finally asked me to hang out. It was a Saturday night and I had plans to hang out with my friend Megan. She agreed to hang out with him also. So, we met him at his apartment. Brandon asked us if we wanted to drink, Megan said she couldn't because she needed to drive back home, I said yes.
Brandon and I drank for a while, we were conversing and having a good time. I started to feel drunk after my second drink. Megan checked her phone and mentioned that it was approaching midnight. So, I was thinking to myself, "If I stay the night, he could just take me home in the morning, and I will just say I am spending the night at Megan's." So I proposed my idea to Megan and she was okay with it, and so was Brandon.
Megan left.
I was very nervous about being alone with him. I was really feeling the alcohol to the point where I didn't care what I said. He sat next to me and grabbed my face and started kissing me. Things got really heated. I started feeling things that I never felt before. Embracing each other while kissing was foreign to me, but awesome at the same time. I was used to just kissing and holding hands, that was it. To have someone touch and caress me while giving me affection for the first time made me think, "wow, I have missed out on what other girls are doing!"
Things got really heated. This was the first time I have ever been naked in front of anybody. I was wrestling with my hormones and my old promise that I had made when I was an early teen to save sex for my husband. Alcohol shut my heart up and I ran with what my mind was yelling. I really wanted to feel what the girls at school were raving about. They made it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
He knew I was a virgin and he asked me right before it happened, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I paused for what seemed like forever and said, "yes." Right before it was about to happen I was extremely scared of the pain that I was about to endure, and I was thinking of my future husband and what I was not about to give him. I thought, "well, there is no way you are going to turn back now. You already said yes." So, I went through with it. (The only thing I can reveal about the moment was that it HURT!)
I could not fall asleep that night. While he was asleep I just laid there, naked, and scared of what this meant. Nobody has ever seen me so vulnerable before. Then my mind showed up with compromises, "He really cares about me. He took care of me, and he must really like me if he wanted to do this and still want me to spend the night. He can't be like the typical guys the hit it and quit it, since I'm still here."
The next morning, I felt very different. I couldn't believe that I had given myself to him. I felt that I had lost my innocence forever. When he dropped me off at home, I went straight into my room and pondered on the entire night. Whenever I thought about it I frowned upon the entire decision. I gave my entire innocence to him. I kept repeating that to myself and hating myself for it. I felt extremely alone for the next few hours, but that could have been because I refused to leave my room. I swore that everyone could see that I was not a virgin anymore. The painful thought of not being a virgin anymore was so painful that I just buried it under more drunk sex with Brandon.
After graduation, we went on a couple of dates, then he asked me to be his girlfriend at a little hidden park. It was really romantic. The night that he asked me to be his girlfriend I went to his place. He had a new roommate and I found out that they used to date in high school, but she was living there with her current boyfriend. When I walked in, Brandon introduced me to her and she said, "Hello, I'm Katie. It's Odessa?" (I don't like when people say my name wrong) I snapped and said with an attitude, "No! It's Adessa, with an A."-- awkward silence... then we both laughed.
Katie and I got along very well. I was hanging out with her all the time when Brandon wasn't free. So, I would hang out with her in the daytime and wait for Brandon to come home from work. I did that for a little while.
There were a couple of random parties that we went to, I was the loudest person because I didn't want to stop drinking. I was around a lot of people that I didn't know so I needed to drink in order to talk to them. At every party Katie was there joined by her boyfriend and there was not one party that ended up being fun. All of them ended with Brandon passed out drunk on the floor and Katie upset at her boyfriend for not doing something for her; or he messed up by doing something that screwed up her entire world, so it all had to come crashing down and ruining the parties.
My parents thought it was not safe for me to be out and about after graduating high school and not looking at colleges. They would call me on my cell phone everyday and bug me to come home. I would tell my parents that it was okay and I would do it "tomorrow" every time. But I always felt the little voice inside of me telling me to go home, I always ignored it and I let Katie convince me to stay another night, and another, and another... This happened for a couple of weeks.
I had two trips to go on, both were a week long each. I would call Brandon everyday on my trips. Called him to say goodnight and good morning. When I cam back from my second trip, Trent told me that Brandon was seeing someone else...
After being drunk for the first time, I was so excited to do it again! I loved the feeling of numbness. I felt accepted by everyone because I didn't feel any judgement and I also had confidence to spark up a conversation with strangers...and it was so easy that I really didn't care about the person I was talking to. I was just happy and I wanted to converse with people and not want this confident feeling to go away. They didn't care what I did or said and the feeling was mutual. I was also dealing with a broken heart, so alcohol took my brokenness off my mind and put my attention on the immediate present. I was hoping drunkenness would sweep me away forever from my heartache.
I was practically born worried. I worried about everything. Even the little things, and to be introduced to something that clearly gave me the fat F word that I wanted, to FORGET, was like I found the cure for the anxious disease that I was infected with. I was immediately in love with the feeling that it gave me. My natural anxiety wanted it all the time. Since I was 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, I wanted to experience the life that I was sheltered from that clearly had the answer to my problems with my inner self.
Trent had given Brandon my cell number after the party. Brandon and I communicated by phone. We talked about our vices, likes, our dislikes...etc. We rarely talked on the phone. The majority of our communication was through text messages because of his work schedule. He worked when I got out of school, so we didn't really have time to talk on the phone. I found myself really liking him and liking the attention that he was giving me. He made me feel noticed, and I was definitely enjoying that.
About a week before graduation Brandon had finally asked me to hang out. It was a Saturday night and I had plans to hang out with my friend Megan. She agreed to hang out with him also. So, we met him at his apartment. Brandon asked us if we wanted to drink, Megan said she couldn't because she needed to drive back home, I said yes.
Brandon and I drank for a while, we were conversing and having a good time. I started to feel drunk after my second drink. Megan checked her phone and mentioned that it was approaching midnight. So, I was thinking to myself, "If I stay the night, he could just take me home in the morning, and I will just say I am spending the night at Megan's." So I proposed my idea to Megan and she was okay with it, and so was Brandon.
Megan left.
I was very nervous about being alone with him. I was really feeling the alcohol to the point where I didn't care what I said. He sat next to me and grabbed my face and started kissing me. Things got really heated. I started feeling things that I never felt before. Embracing each other while kissing was foreign to me, but awesome at the same time. I was used to just kissing and holding hands, that was it. To have someone touch and caress me while giving me affection for the first time made me think, "wow, I have missed out on what other girls are doing!"
Things got really heated. This was the first time I have ever been naked in front of anybody. I was wrestling with my hormones and my old promise that I had made when I was an early teen to save sex for my husband. Alcohol shut my heart up and I ran with what my mind was yelling. I really wanted to feel what the girls at school were raving about. They made it seem like it wasn't a big deal.
He knew I was a virgin and he asked me right before it happened, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I paused for what seemed like forever and said, "yes." Right before it was about to happen I was extremely scared of the pain that I was about to endure, and I was thinking of my future husband and what I was not about to give him. I thought, "well, there is no way you are going to turn back now. You already said yes." So, I went through with it. (The only thing I can reveal about the moment was that it HURT!)
I could not fall asleep that night. While he was asleep I just laid there, naked, and scared of what this meant. Nobody has ever seen me so vulnerable before. Then my mind showed up with compromises, "He really cares about me. He took care of me, and he must really like me if he wanted to do this and still want me to spend the night. He can't be like the typical guys the hit it and quit it, since I'm still here."
The next morning, I felt very different. I couldn't believe that I had given myself to him. I felt that I had lost my innocence forever. When he dropped me off at home, I went straight into my room and pondered on the entire night. Whenever I thought about it I frowned upon the entire decision. I gave my entire innocence to him. I kept repeating that to myself and hating myself for it. I felt extremely alone for the next few hours, but that could have been because I refused to leave my room. I swore that everyone could see that I was not a virgin anymore. The painful thought of not being a virgin anymore was so painful that I just buried it under more drunk sex with Brandon.
After graduation, we went on a couple of dates, then he asked me to be his girlfriend at a little hidden park. It was really romantic. The night that he asked me to be his girlfriend I went to his place. He had a new roommate and I found out that they used to date in high school, but she was living there with her current boyfriend. When I walked in, Brandon introduced me to her and she said, "Hello, I'm Katie. It's Odessa?" (I don't like when people say my name wrong) I snapped and said with an attitude, "No! It's Adessa, with an A."-- awkward silence... then we both laughed.
Katie and I got along very well. I was hanging out with her all the time when Brandon wasn't free. So, I would hang out with her in the daytime and wait for Brandon to come home from work. I did that for a little while.
There were a couple of random parties that we went to, I was the loudest person because I didn't want to stop drinking. I was around a lot of people that I didn't know so I needed to drink in order to talk to them. At every party Katie was there joined by her boyfriend and there was not one party that ended up being fun. All of them ended with Brandon passed out drunk on the floor and Katie upset at her boyfriend for not doing something for her; or he messed up by doing something that screwed up her entire world, so it all had to come crashing down and ruining the parties.
My parents thought it was not safe for me to be out and about after graduating high school and not looking at colleges. They would call me on my cell phone everyday and bug me to come home. I would tell my parents that it was okay and I would do it "tomorrow" every time. But I always felt the little voice inside of me telling me to go home, I always ignored it and I let Katie convince me to stay another night, and another, and another... This happened for a couple of weeks.
I had two trips to go on, both were a week long each. I would call Brandon everyday on my trips. Called him to say goodnight and good morning. When I cam back from my second trip, Trent told me that Brandon was seeing someone else...
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